Nobody's picture perfect, but we're worth it.

I have a lot of feelings to blog about tonight.

I came across old pictures as I put together a photo book for my mom's Christmas present because I know she'll love this sort of thing. I'm going through pictures in 2007, 2008, 2009...this year, and each picture, each date takes me back to that time frame. They say pictures are worth a thousand words. These pictures are worth a thousand memories, maybe more. Some fill me with joy, some fill me with longing for youth, some leave me downright sad. Why? Sad because the people in the pictures look so happy then, happier than how they are right now. And some, like my grandpa, look so young and happy three years ago. Currently, as I see him each day, I see him withering away, growing tired with each passing day. I know the day will come soon, I just keep hoping it won't be today, or tomorrow, or a year from now. My mom once told me, when the time comes, you must be strong. You mustn't cry because tears hold them back on this earth and you want his soul to liberate and fly towards miềng Cực Lạc. In a way, I'm glad things happen the way they did earlier this year, so I can mentally prepare myself for when it happens, God forbid. I just can't help thinking about it at times, especially more often now that I'm back home.

And my dad--he look so happy in 2007. His face in pictures light up the entire room. When he smiles, his eyes crinkle with joy. I know it is not the case now. I sometimes catch him at some random moments when he's by himself looking at the world, and that is when I get scared and teary. Why must you look so helpless at the world? We are here to offer you joy, comfort, happiness if you let us. It wasn't always the case though. My brother told me this year how upset and frustrated he got when grandpa was ill. But since my grandpa's a lot better now, I think he's better too. I mean, this summer when he found out he has a grandkid, his face burst with joy and he'd spend hours looking at facebook pictures of his grandson. I just wish one day they would be able to meet and he would be the proudest grandfather in the world :) Once I saw the pictures, I rush to compare them with the newer ones and I see he looks just as fine. So I guess my worries are very trivial.

I started off writing the post because I was letting my emotions get the best of me. I began in tears, but I finish with a smile. Because things are better now, than what they were. I just have to keep wishing for the best and be nice to my parents because sometimes I can come off as an ungrateful bitch. True story. I love you mom & dad. I just wish I can show that to you more often, instead of complaining and not caring like I always do. But we're all trying our best. And we have hope.

Everybody's got a dark side. Do you love me? Can you love me?

Nobody's picture perfect, but we're worth it. You know we're worth it.

Will you love me? Even with my dark side.