Makes me happy

It's really interesting how my parents back then were the kinds of people who didn't have any plans on a Saturday night. All they did was work, eat tai chi and sleep. And take us to school and shop with us. I use to think the sole purpose of their life was just for my brother and I. Day by day, it was always the same routine.

Now that Daniel and I have grown up, my parents are even busier than I am! They have so many socials and events, it's kinda crazy! It's weird to call my mom and have her tell me that she just got back from san diego or she and dad just got back from a house party...LOL what? I know I'm not around as much, and that I'm shaping my own life...but  it's weird to see her and dad move on too! It's like we're constantly changing as a family. I'm slowly growing as a person and she as well, but in different aspects. My parents are learning to enjoy life (they never went out much even before they made a family) with their friends, temple and my brother and I are doing big things too. It's amazing to think about all of that in retrospect. It makes me really happy that they are having fun, doing new things, challenging themselves, living every day to the fullest. I'm just happy and grateful they still love me so much even though I'm like the worst daughter in the world. I'm just in a very grateful and happy mood lately and it's quite nice. Blessed with the best.

Progress

My progress this past week has been surprisingly...good! It's been since four days since I've stumbled across your tumblr. I just didn't have any urges too, I guess. I mean, wednesday night I was about to type in the url, and then I stopped myself. Because I felt weird in my stomach and I realize I didn't need to know last night what you've been up to. And just right now, this morning, I literally had the url in the url bar. All I had to do was click enter and it would redirect me there. But for some reason, I exited the window. Maybe it's finally working. I really don't need to know what you are up to and your whereabouts. Maybe being hurt sunday night was the final straw? it sure didn't feel like it, but since then I realize I just didn't care. It hurts too much to know and I'm better not knowing. :)

First family dorm dinner on tuesday was a HUGE success!! I literally wanted to cry when I saw everyone's happy faces...ZOMG. And I ran into someone that I once knew and we started talking on facebook! LOL, it's nothing really. but the fact that someone actually wanted to talk, and that I could carry on a conversation gives me hope that I can meet new people who are interested in talking to me. Also, I got a job offer yesterday afternoon! No longer unemployed, bitch! :D I guess I made a lasting impression on my interviewer. They were interviewing a bunch of people and only hiring one, and they asked legitimate interview questions too, that I wasn't quite prepared for. But like Limbroco said, just be yourself. I wouldn't tell this to a lot of people, but for you, be yourself. He probably has no idea how his words impacted my attitude towards interviews.. LOL but I was actually myself this time. Captivating, thrilled, genuine, it was like having a real conversation with my interviewer and I was totally laxed. Maybe I can do this. Plus, it totally pays more than my old job that I worked my ass off for! Also, we presented our project ideas in lab yesterday as well and I think I did a pretty damn good job. I looked at audience, was my genuine self, it's getting there. My kaplan pcat book finally arrived too! Just got to get into my last ochem lab next quarter and life might as well be on its way up. Plus its Halloween today. Finally piecing my life back together and I know i'm meant for bigger and better things. What happens from here on out is mine and mine alone. It isn't shared with another person; I'm gonna wait for the one that challenges me to try harder and someone who fully appreciates me.

It's a Demi Lovato kind of night.

I'm a warrior

Now I've got thicker skin

I'm a warrior

I'm stronger than ive ever been

And my armor, is made of steel, you cant get in

I'm a warrior

And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes,I'm burning like a fire

You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar

I've got shame, I've got scars

That I'lll never show

I'm a survivor

In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth

I wear like a battle wound

So ashamed so confused, I'm not broken, or bruised

Now I'm a warrior

Now I've got thicker skin

I'm a warrior

I'm stronger than I've ever been

And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in

Im a warrior

And you can never hurt me again

Being a girlfriend

Being a girlfriend is not just about being beautiful and attractive for your guy. It's not just about letting him chase you, letting him do sweet things every time you're mad at him and not just receiving flowers and gifts during your anniversaries. It's not about doing those girly things just to get his attention and not just about feeling mighty every time he did everything you want. It's also being an emotional partner wherein you support him in every opportunity that he takes, you appreciate everything that he does for you and you thank him for doing it, you remind him on the things he must do and what he must not. Just because you know that you can always keep him on his feet doesn't mean you can manipulate him. You understand him not just as a partner but as a individual too. You help him in every way showing him, that in a relationship, there's no "I" or "you", there's only "we" and "us". You know also that a man has their ego, and even when it becomes a little irritating sometimes, you still understand that it's a part of his nature. A girlfriend is just not a term, it also has responsibilities that every girl must know. You're a friend, a sister, a second mom, a teacher and a best friend.

I'm sorry I haven't been at my best for you lately. I've been accustomed all my life to getting exactly what I wanted that sometimes I forget you are human too. That you have your own goals, plans, worries, ideas... I know I don't say this often enough that I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I didn't think it through. I know you have to deal with all of my bullshit too. I know you get tired of it, I get tired of myself sometimes. But I can't help picking out your every fault. I try not to, but it seems I tend to do that with everyone. Some days it'll be good and then other days, I like to hurt. I'm sorry dear. It'll get better, I hope so. We can get through this together.

Be my Valentine

I've always been a fan of Valentine's day except my V-day is usually mediocre, nothing fancy. I remember back in highschool it was a day where girls get to show off their flowers or cupcakes or candy grams from a special boy. I was one of them x] LOL but ever since college, my valentine's day were always alright. it's funny because I have been in a relationship since college started, yet the past couple of valentine's day were never quite special. I remember my first valentine with my boyfriend: we celebrated by having a cute quiet romantic weekend and then we got in a huge fight. I think it might have been our first fight/disagreement ever that I didn't even know whether or  not we would conquer through or wither away. Well, two years later, her e we are, still together, stronger than ever. Last year's Valentine, I was determine to not make a repeat of our first year. I made sure not to get upset or let anything get to me. My boyfriend was super sweet. He drove the 50 some odd miles between us to deliver me a single rose the night before with a note saying, "I want you to carry this with you everywhere you go tomorrow. When you get sad or lonely, just look at the rose and imagine I'm right there." Awwww :') that was probably the most cheesiest thing he's never said to me, LOL. But I bought it. I carried it around campus, to work, to dinner. It was like my shield against  all the evils to ruin v-day. Again, nothing fancy. No romantic candlelit dinners filled with rose petals and shit (although every girl still dreams of this) This year, we're not doing anything special. He has class and internship and I have work and school, and plans during the weekend. Just a ordinary day, I suppose.

Do good, feel good

Yesterday, despite the lack of exciting events, I had a surprisingly good time. Woke up early and got some good two/three hours of studying done. Prepared a delicious VEGETARIAN meal. Went to a service event with Circle K (literally, my second service event this entire school year) where we cook a scrumptious meal for Turning point (transitional housing for homeless people) It makes me miss doing service, serving the older community. After that, we hit up dorm dinner (service with uclacki=free meal afterwards) and ate for hours, laughing at Connie's and Jeremy's horrible jokes about dead babies and dirty pick up lines. Although I didn't get much studying the rest of the night, I got several donations from people for Dance marathon ^_^ that were totally unexpected and it ultimately made my night. I ended the night online shopping for an MK watch that I will soon add to my collection as a birthday gift. Life is good. :)

Nobody's picture perfect, but we're worth it.

I have a lot of feelings to blog about tonight.

I came across old pictures as I put together a photo book for my mom's Christmas present because I know she'll love this sort of thing. I'm going through pictures in 2007, 2008, 2009...this year, and each picture, each date takes me back to that time frame. They say pictures are worth a thousand words. These pictures are worth a thousand memories, maybe more. Some fill me with joy, some fill me with longing for youth, some leave me downright sad. Why? Sad because the people in the pictures look so happy then, happier than how they are right now. And some, like my grandpa, look so young and happy three years ago. Currently, as I see him each day, I see him withering away, growing tired with each passing day. I know the day will come soon, I just keep hoping it won't be today, or tomorrow, or a year from now. My mom once told me, when the time comes, you must be strong. You mustn't cry because tears hold them back on this earth and you want his soul to liberate and fly towards miềng Cực Lạc. In a way, I'm glad things happen the way they did earlier this year, so I can mentally prepare myself for when it happens, God forbid. I just can't help thinking about it at times, especially more often now that I'm back home.

And my dad--he look so happy in 2007. His face in pictures light up the entire room. When he smiles, his eyes crinkle with joy. I know it is not the case now. I sometimes catch him at some random moments when he's by himself looking at the world, and that is when I get scared and teary. Why must you look so helpless at the world? We are here to offer you joy, comfort, happiness if you let us. It wasn't always the case though. My brother told me this year how upset and frustrated he got when grandpa was ill. But since my grandpa's a lot better now, I think he's better too. I mean, this summer when he found out he has a grandkid, his face burst with joy and he'd spend hours looking at facebook pictures of his grandson. I just wish one day they would be able to meet and he would be the proudest grandfather in the world :) Once I saw the pictures, I rush to compare them with the newer ones and I see he looks just as fine. So I guess my worries are very trivial.

I started off writing the post because I was letting my emotions get the best of me. I began in tears, but I finish with a smile. Because things are better now, than what they were. I just have to keep wishing for the best and be nice to my parents because sometimes I can come off as an ungrateful bitch. True story. I love you mom & dad. I just wish I can show that to you more often, instead of complaining and not caring like I always do. But we're all trying our best. And we have hope.

Everybody's got a dark side. Do you love me? Can you love me?

Nobody's picture perfect, but we're worth it. You know we're worth it.

Will you love me? Even with my dark side.

Happy happy thanks

It's thanksgiving! four fun filled days at home. I am quite thankful for a lot of things in my life, but this year I want to take a different approach to it. Every year I always thank the people in my life for supporting me and giving me love. But this year, I want to focus on me. I thank myself for being so strong willed and determine, for not taking no for an answer, for not taking anyone's crap. for being independent and hardworking when I need to be. because every day I see my dream. I want to thank myself for not giving up, especially a lot of times this year when shit got real. i want to thank my body for being healthy and happy (i know this year, my emotions were a wreck compared to other years) and i want to thank everyone else who put up with my bullcrap. my parents (because i gave you a lot more attitude this year than any other year) my boyfriend who was always so patient) my brother (for dealing with my parents when i'm not around and for doing my shit) my temple (who always welcome me with open arms and support me with whatever I need) circle k (for being the shining star in my life) and buddha. I recreated a path of buddhism for myself. I reflected and reach deep within myself and gain a sense of who I am. going back to temple was one of the best decisions i ever made. to be surrounded by those kids who are the bright stars of my sundays, to teach and give up after all these years of taking knowledge, to not be afraid of the future, and life after college. I am not afraid. you have given me strength and i thank you for it. this post is probably one of my worst posts because I am typing as I think, and not even bothering to capitalize and all that good stuff. but i am typing all the thoughts that flow out of my head and my heart. onto this blog. happy thanksgiving everyone. hope you are all safe with your families tonight. (or if you're out at black friday already, good luck and be safe and warm)

Love, denise

Straight from the heart.

I know I'm only twenty and the future is unclear but I say this with all of me. I hope you're the one.

I'll follow you into the dark

It's always a little scary and depressing when I have time to reflect on my personal life. Not the things that don't pertain to work or school, but the things going on with my family that I never speak of to anyone. Things that I wanted to tell a friend, my significant other at some point, but never find the right time. Why bring up something sad, when they probably don't understand the things you are going through? It is scary to know these things exist. I'm sure they are common between every family, mine isn't any different. Yet, I've been so accustomed to a picture perfect life that any adversity throws me off balance. I try to be a strong person, but sometimes my thoughts get ahead of me. I don't want to turn a blind eye to the symptoms, yet I don't want to think about them constantly 24/7. I've done plenty of research since I found out, increased my interest on the situation at hand, yet I don't know how to help. I want the persons' affected to get better but I don't know where to begin. Am I supposed to know? Most importantly, does Mom know? Does mom know that I know? Does mom want me to know? (which is usually the question) I find that my family does keep their secrets away from me, mainly because my emotions are strong and anything abnormal will get me crying. But yet I worry. I worry and I pray to Buddha every day, every hour for their sake. For them to get better. Because sometimes I catch you looking so hopeless at the world and it breaks me down every time. I want to help. I want to be your sunshine in every way to chase those dark thoughts away from you. I am trying. Get better.

Can we get away? Far away.

Sometimes I wish I can get away. Just to escape this place I call home for a day, a week, a year and then come home to a newly refurbish place, with cool leather couches, a polished hardwood floor, a room of my own, painted in something other than boring white. Come home to spacious rooms, newly painted, bathrooms, clean and shiny, grass, crisp and green.

This summer, more than ever, I feel ashamed of my house. Living in the dorms where everything is new and clean and in my grasp, to visiting my friends' houses where the rooms are newly remodeled and decorated. Then coming home to my mom constantly complaining how shitty our place looks, how my dad lacks motivation and imagination to reorganize everything, how she doesn't have time to rearrange the stack of old shit buried in the corner to how rusty our fences are, how we don't see all the cracks in the wall as she does. In fact, we do. Or at least I do. But I feel powerless to change anything. If I could, I would sort through everything and throw away all the unnecessary junk accumulating over the past 20 years of my life. Maybe if I could, I'd paint over the walls to some hip color. Or clean the rooms, weed the gardens... I can't because I feel that this is YOUR place and I don't know where any shit is. You store away things in your own secret corner and if I ask you, it's always such a hassle.

Maybe that's the reason why I always feel so powerless when I'm at home. I mean, it's nice to have a place to stay and parents to provide for you, but I'm a growing young woman. My mature mind is processing and pretty soon I think I need my own space to decorate. Every night I come home crawling back into my little hole in the ground, waiting for the next day to come. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my house but I always feel like there's something more to it that could be done. But what could I do--a poor college student whose going to be in serious debt by the time she finishes her undergrad. What can I possibly do knowing fully well that I'm going to be in deeper debt by the time I finish pharmacy school. What is there to do? I want so much more than I can afford: a new point and shoot, a fancy wristwatch, shoes... simple things by society's standards. Money to occasionally eat out and enjoy life with friends, to buy beautiful clothes to stay in style, to shower my family with gifts, I'm living on a day to day basis. Currently not working, but once I start working in August, once school starts, I have rent to pay, bills, tuition, books to worry about... demands way  too high to meet my meek wages.

I wish there was a way to make decent money at such a young age. Something to help my parents to compensate for my daily demands. Something to give me hope that one day my loans will be paid off. Something to reassure me that my future is reachable, that my Pharm D. is worth it. That the 200K debt I'll be in, will be paid off within a year or two. That when I start my own family, I can afford a house, a car and everything else without having to struggle over how my kids will live through the next day. Don't we all wish the same thing? Isn't it all part of the American Dream? Struggle now so hopefully the younger generations don't have to struggle? Everyone's thinking of it, I'm not the first to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm digging deeper into this hole; hopefully one day, I can crawl out and bury it with my success.

Next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior.

I feel like I have to blog out my feelings before I go ballistic. It's not like it's the first time these thoughts have occurred to me. It's been an ongoing process within the past couple of weeks. Some days it's stronger than others, some days I can brush it off, but right now it's the biggest thing on my mind and heaviest thing in my heart.

I just talked with my boyfriend about it so I think I'll summarize it in a couple of words.

Where did my feelings go? Why don't I feel as special as I once was? Why do I feel like I'm constantly competing with every other thing going on in your life?

I'm sure life will go back to normal once school starts. It always does. Last summer was just as rough for my relationship but circumstances were different than now. And if they don't, I don't know what I'm going to do except...the inevitable.

Amidst the post-labs and quizzes and finals

I am surviving. I promise myself that I would finish this quarter off strong and strong I must. I don't know how many late nights and all nighters and coffees I have to take in order to take on this daunting task, but I can do it. I will come out on top. And when that Friday comes, two weeks from now, I will jump and soar and be the happiest I can be, because FINALLY I will be on summer break.

I am close to finishing off my second year at UCLA. A year filled with ups and downs, tears, sweat, passion, faith, lost of hope, spiritual wealth, grueling work, serious fights, intense nights, early mornings, fun, spontaneous adventures, crazy weekends, diversity, love-making, fashion, photography, ambitions, falls, drama, sweet dreams. My second year has been EVERYTHING I could have ever imagined. I completed things I didn't even think I could, in a million years. Family head, Dance Marathon, UNICAMP, even Dance specialist, DCON talent act, FTC, Go West, ice blocking, prom, Masquerade Ball, Star of the moment, scored the pharmacy clerk job at my school's pharmacy...the list goes on and on. And yet, despite all this madness, my health is great. My grades could be better. My mentality at UCLA has improved tremendously, and I am more than ever deeply in love with my boyfriend of over 1.5 years. This is crazy, but it's happening. It happened. And it will continue to happen. :)

As a senior in high school, I felt lost, insecure, peer pressured. Towards graduation, I've never felt more confident, happy and carefree in my life. Going through my first year, I lost that sense of confidence and belonging. Instead, I felt miserable, unsure, stuck, out of place. It wasn't until the start of this year, 2012, that I regain that sense of belonging. Everywhere I go now, I feel loved, accomplished, and smart. But this journey is far from over. Although I am now sure of my future, I know the road there is tough and unpredictable. I cannot account for the twists and turns along the way, as I'm sure there will be many over the next couple of years. I am determined to pull through this, determine to get my Pharm D. to be a kind, and bright pharmacist, to bring light, hope and inspiration to hundreds of people that I will one day serve in my community. I believe I can get there. It may not be the route that I want to take, but the end result is the same. I see my name in shining lights. Best believe it.