Still at the bottom

The days are hot, and the nights are long.
The mood is depressing, and the appetite's gone.
Motivation is lacking, the strength ain't there.
The question is same as always, do you still care?

You know your mistakes, I'm well aware of mine.
Both of us knew, that this was the time.
We had to let go, bid not our last goodbyes
But only a "see you later" with tears in my eyes

With our last words still fresh on my mind
Lost in my own grief, yet I know it will only take time
Give me strength to move on, I pray I won't forget
the love that we had, none of it will ever be a regret.

I still think of you, once or twice every night.
what are you up to, and are you alright?
I know better than to contact you, because what good would it do
than to stir up old feelings, I'm still attracted to you.

They tell me I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Yet I'm still waiting for that day, when it no longer brings me pain.
Stay strong, they say. Shine bright, they say.
I hope I can finally get some sleep tonight, and I'll keep waiting for the next day.

Being a girlfriend

Being a girlfriend is not just about being beautiful and attractive for your guy. It's not just about letting him chase you, letting him do sweet things every time you're mad at him and not just receiving flowers and gifts during your anniversaries. It's not about doing those girly things just to get his attention and not just about feeling mighty every time he did everything you want. It's also being an emotional partner wherein you support him in every opportunity that he takes, you appreciate everything that he does for you and you thank him for doing it, you remind him on the things he must do and what he must not. Just because you know that you can always keep him on his feet doesn't mean you can manipulate him. You understand him not just as a partner but as a individual too. You help him in every way showing him, that in a relationship, there's no "I" or "you", there's only "we" and "us". You know also that a man has their ego, and even when it becomes a little irritating sometimes, you still understand that it's a part of his nature. A girlfriend is just not a term, it also has responsibilities that every girl must know. You're a friend, a sister, a second mom, a teacher and a best friend.

I'm sorry I haven't been at my best for you lately. I've been accustomed all my life to getting exactly what I wanted that sometimes I forget you are human too. That you have your own goals, plans, worries, ideas... I know I don't say this often enough that I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I didn't think it through. I know you have to deal with all of my bullshit too. I know you get tired of it, I get tired of myself sometimes. But I can't help picking out your every fault. I try not to, but it seems I tend to do that with everyone. Some days it'll be good and then other days, I like to hurt. I'm sorry dear. It'll get better, I hope so. We can get through this together.

I'll never chase away the rain

I fucked up, didn't I? Can I take back all those texts, all the words, feelings and thoughts that went on earlier today? I seriously feel like shit. At first, I was the one pissed because you weren't responding, and then you got even more upset. And even now, you're still upset, and I'm not quite sorry. My roommate once told me, "Are you guys okay? I feel so bad, you guys always seem to be fighting. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you just appreciate each other" and I said I didn't know. I think I am extremely hard to please. I try to hold back some of my words and thoughts but sometimes they get the best of me. And sometimes, they get the best of you. And then it gets messy. And then I think you deserve way better than me. Why do we go through this endless cycle. My thoughts are all jumbled up right now. I'm sure they can make you feel better. Better than me, i'm the one who always has to kill your buzz. Why? Why do I bring you down, why can't I be happy when you're happy. Why can't I be appreciative of what I have instead of constantly pushing you away. I think it's my human nature to push everyone who's good to me away simply because I want to hurt them. I don't know why. I want to stop, but it always comes up. Maybe it's not meant to be. I want to be in the happy relationship but quite frankly, I don't know if i'm happy right now. I don't know if i'll ever make you happy.

20 years young

It's almost here!!! The day I've been waiting for ALL MY LIFE. No, not really, LOL. I feel so bad for my friends, I've been talking nonstop about my 21st since foreverrrrrrr. So much for being humble. One more day until I can be legal!! :) but then again, one more day until my midterms ._. and then two more days until my harder midterm. Poop. I can't believe this entire month flew by so fast. Where has all the time gone? In the meanwhile, here's what I've been up to lately :)

I knew this day would come, I knew it all along. Why did it come so fast :')

 Guess who got a new phone?! And not just any phone, a smart iPhone! What a beauty. She's in a HK case, straight from the factory. I bought it off my cousin's friend for $350. Used, unlocked, but in pretty decent condition :) Life has gotten so much...smarter.

Belated Valentine's date with my boo

Simple and small dinner with my baby. He took me to Napa Valley Grill (4 stars on yelp!) and we tried chopped kale salad, scallops and some kind of beef. Super delicious, service was uh-mazing. And we unintentionally matched too. Happy third valentine's day baby. You didn't need to ask, but you were the perfect valentine's date a girl could ever ask for.

We dance for life.

My roommates and I participated in Dance marathon!!!!! And dressed to all 9 themes, hehe. We are such fashionistas ;) hehe, well they are! 26 hours of non-stop dancing, moving, and standing on our feeeeeet. We danced for 26 hours, we slept for 26 hours, we ate for 26 hours and we stayed up doing homework for the next 26 hours (this only applied to me, sadly) Wonderful experience. If I had to do it all over again, it's only with these girrrrrls

Time to head back to studying! I had a different topic in mind for blogging but I got off on a tangent. See you in the next post!

Be my Valentine

I've always been a fan of Valentine's day except my V-day is usually mediocre, nothing fancy. I remember back in highschool it was a day where girls get to show off their flowers or cupcakes or candy grams from a special boy. I was one of them x] LOL but ever since college, my valentine's day were always alright. it's funny because I have been in a relationship since college started, yet the past couple of valentine's day were never quite special. I remember my first valentine with my boyfriend: we celebrated by having a cute quiet romantic weekend and then we got in a huge fight. I think it might have been our first fight/disagreement ever that I didn't even know whether or  not we would conquer through or wither away. Well, two years later, her e we are, still together, stronger than ever. Last year's Valentine, I was determine to not make a repeat of our first year. I made sure not to get upset or let anything get to me. My boyfriend was super sweet. He drove the 50 some odd miles between us to deliver me a single rose the night before with a note saying, "I want you to carry this with you everywhere you go tomorrow. When you get sad or lonely, just look at the rose and imagine I'm right there." Awwww :') that was probably the most cheesiest thing he's never said to me, LOL. But I bought it. I carried it around campus, to work, to dinner. It was like my shield against  all the evils to ruin v-day. Again, nothing fancy. No romantic candlelit dinners filled with rose petals and shit (although every girl still dreams of this) This year, we're not doing anything special. He has class and internship and I have work and school, and plans during the weekend. Just a ordinary day, I suppose.

Nobody's picture perfect, but we're worth it.

I have a lot of feelings to blog about tonight.

I came across old pictures as I put together a photo book for my mom's Christmas present because I know she'll love this sort of thing. I'm going through pictures in 2007, 2008, 2009...this year, and each picture, each date takes me back to that time frame. They say pictures are worth a thousand words. These pictures are worth a thousand memories, maybe more. Some fill me with joy, some fill me with longing for youth, some leave me downright sad. Why? Sad because the people in the pictures look so happy then, happier than how they are right now. And some, like my grandpa, look so young and happy three years ago. Currently, as I see him each day, I see him withering away, growing tired with each passing day. I know the day will come soon, I just keep hoping it won't be today, or tomorrow, or a year from now. My mom once told me, when the time comes, you must be strong. You mustn't cry because tears hold them back on this earth and you want his soul to liberate and fly towards miềng Cực Lạc. In a way, I'm glad things happen the way they did earlier this year, so I can mentally prepare myself for when it happens, God forbid. I just can't help thinking about it at times, especially more often now that I'm back home.

And my dad--he look so happy in 2007. His face in pictures light up the entire room. When he smiles, his eyes crinkle with joy. I know it is not the case now. I sometimes catch him at some random moments when he's by himself looking at the world, and that is when I get scared and teary. Why must you look so helpless at the world? We are here to offer you joy, comfort, happiness if you let us. It wasn't always the case though. My brother told me this year how upset and frustrated he got when grandpa was ill. But since my grandpa's a lot better now, I think he's better too. I mean, this summer when he found out he has a grandkid, his face burst with joy and he'd spend hours looking at facebook pictures of his grandson. I just wish one day they would be able to meet and he would be the proudest grandfather in the world :) Once I saw the pictures, I rush to compare them with the newer ones and I see he looks just as fine. So I guess my worries are very trivial.

I started off writing the post because I was letting my emotions get the best of me. I began in tears, but I finish with a smile. Because things are better now, than what they were. I just have to keep wishing for the best and be nice to my parents because sometimes I can come off as an ungrateful bitch. True story. I love you mom & dad. I just wish I can show that to you more often, instead of complaining and not caring like I always do. But we're all trying our best. And we have hope.

Everybody's got a dark side. Do you love me? Can you love me?

Nobody's picture perfect, but we're worth it. You know we're worth it.

Will you love me? Even with my dark side.

Most beautiful time of the year

I cannot believe it is almost end holiday season! Christmas time is my favorite time of the year, mainly because my dear friends come back to my hometown to visit and play. And of course, no school, and cold nights which calls for warm sweaters, pea-coats, leggings, boots, beanies--I simply adore winter wear. Also, you cannot forget about them holiday parties, filled with hot chocolate, and peppermint lattes from Starbucks, Christmas lights, oh my. It's simply my favorite time of the year.

Thanksgiving just passed, which means BREAK!! Caught up with old friends that I haven't seen for a while and hung out with new ones. It felt extremely nice and relaxing to not think about school for a few days. The only bad thing is, it got me into holiday mode already so I can't seem to focus on anything. I just want to be home for the holidays. But before that can happen, need to survive FINALS :(

I just finish signing for my classes for winter quarter. Hopefully it is as painless as possible and filled with many hours of sleep (aka the thing I always seem to need) #lifeofcollegestudent. I could be in bed right now, catching up on the zzZzz's since I finish my biochemisty homework early for once but I am online blogging my heart out. #latenightpostsarethebest. I miss my tumblr for that reason

Black friday shopping. Boots (in both pictures) are from Macy's. Red beanie from H&M, blue collared shirt from brother

Caught up with my babygirl, Magie. Treated her out to some dim sum as a belated birthday gift

Spontaneous trip to get some shaved snow. We tried almond snow with fresh strawberries, green tea mochi drizzled in condensed milk

Dinner with Jimmy, whom I haven't seen for over a year despite how close we lived to each other. Our school schedules were always opposite. Super spontaneous boba + brick toast (post dinner snack) with these fools. Joey and Jessica came down to visit us, hehe

Just some snapshots over Thanksgiving break. Time to hit the books again to ace those finals. See y'alls in a couple weeks or whenever I refuse to study (or sleep early)

With lots of TLC,

Denise

Happy happy thanks

It's thanksgiving! four fun filled days at home. I am quite thankful for a lot of things in my life, but this year I want to take a different approach to it. Every year I always thank the people in my life for supporting me and giving me love. But this year, I want to focus on me. I thank myself for being so strong willed and determine, for not taking no for an answer, for not taking anyone's crap. for being independent and hardworking when I need to be. because every day I see my dream. I want to thank myself for not giving up, especially a lot of times this year when shit got real. i want to thank my body for being healthy and happy (i know this year, my emotions were a wreck compared to other years) and i want to thank everyone else who put up with my bullcrap. my parents (because i gave you a lot more attitude this year than any other year) my boyfriend who was always so patient) my brother (for dealing with my parents when i'm not around and for doing my shit) my temple (who always welcome me with open arms and support me with whatever I need) circle k (for being the shining star in my life) and buddha. I recreated a path of buddhism for myself. I reflected and reach deep within myself and gain a sense of who I am. going back to temple was one of the best decisions i ever made. to be surrounded by those kids who are the bright stars of my sundays, to teach and give up after all these years of taking knowledge, to not be afraid of the future, and life after college. I am not afraid. you have given me strength and i thank you for it. this post is probably one of my worst posts because I am typing as I think, and not even bothering to capitalize and all that good stuff. but i am typing all the thoughts that flow out of my head and my heart. onto this blog. happy thanksgiving everyone. hope you are all safe with your families tonight. (or if you're out at black friday already, good luck and be safe and warm)

Love, denise

Straight from the heart.

I know I'm only twenty and the future is unclear but I say this with all of me. I hope you're the one.

Amidst the post-labs and quizzes and finals

I am surviving. I promise myself that I would finish this quarter off strong and strong I must. I don't know how many late nights and all nighters and coffees I have to take in order to take on this daunting task, but I can do it. I will come out on top. And when that Friday comes, two weeks from now, I will jump and soar and be the happiest I can be, because FINALLY I will be on summer break.

I am close to finishing off my second year at UCLA. A year filled with ups and downs, tears, sweat, passion, faith, lost of hope, spiritual wealth, grueling work, serious fights, intense nights, early mornings, fun, spontaneous adventures, crazy weekends, diversity, love-making, fashion, photography, ambitions, falls, drama, sweet dreams. My second year has been EVERYTHING I could have ever imagined. I completed things I didn't even think I could, in a million years. Family head, Dance Marathon, UNICAMP, even Dance specialist, DCON talent act, FTC, Go West, ice blocking, prom, Masquerade Ball, Star of the moment, scored the pharmacy clerk job at my school's pharmacy...the list goes on and on. And yet, despite all this madness, my health is great. My grades could be better. My mentality at UCLA has improved tremendously, and I am more than ever deeply in love with my boyfriend of over 1.5 years. This is crazy, but it's happening. It happened. And it will continue to happen. :)

As a senior in high school, I felt lost, insecure, peer pressured. Towards graduation, I've never felt more confident, happy and carefree in my life. Going through my first year, I lost that sense of confidence and belonging. Instead, I felt miserable, unsure, stuck, out of place. It wasn't until the start of this year, 2012, that I regain that sense of belonging. Everywhere I go now, I feel loved, accomplished, and smart. But this journey is far from over. Although I am now sure of my future, I know the road there is tough and unpredictable. I cannot account for the twists and turns along the way, as I'm sure there will be many over the next couple of years. I am determined to pull through this, determine to get my Pharm D. to be a kind, and bright pharmacist, to bring light, hope and inspiration to hundreds of people that I will one day serve in my community. I believe I can get there. It may not be the route that I want to take, but the end result is the same. I see my name in shining lights. Best believe it.