I'll never chase away the rain

I fucked up, didn't I? Can I take back all those texts, all the words, feelings and thoughts that went on earlier today? I seriously feel like shit. At first, I was the one pissed because you weren't responding, and then you got even more upset. And even now, you're still upset, and I'm not quite sorry. My roommate once told me, "Are you guys okay? I feel so bad, you guys always seem to be fighting. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you just appreciate each other" and I said I didn't know. I think I am extremely hard to please. I try to hold back some of my words and thoughts but sometimes they get the best of me. And sometimes, they get the best of you. And then it gets messy. And then I think you deserve way better than me. Why do we go through this endless cycle. My thoughts are all jumbled up right now. I'm sure they can make you feel better. Better than me, i'm the one who always has to kill your buzz. Why? Why do I bring you down, why can't I be happy when you're happy. Why can't I be appreciative of what I have instead of constantly pushing you away. I think it's my human nature to push everyone who's good to me away simply because I want to hurt them. I don't know why. I want to stop, but it always comes up. Maybe it's not meant to be. I want to be in the happy relationship but quite frankly, I don't know if i'm happy right now. I don't know if i'll ever make you happy.

damn words get in the way

I spontaneously decided to deactivate my facebook for the time being. There were too many thoughts and feelings in my head, emotions I cannot control, words left unsaid. The last thing I saw on facebook was a friend's extremely cheesy love story and pictures, with too much cuteness and love in one post. And I thought to myself, I can't handle hearing about this happiness when my heart and mind is in too much pain. It was the final straw. I just need to be by myself, surrounded by friends and family, away from worldly distractions that threaten to take away my happiness. I want to end this year strong, and with that I need some time to think and to draw away. I don't think I've felt this unsure since...several years back. I know the feeling when the time comes, I try to read the symptoms and stay away as best I could to prevent the same mistakes from happening. Time is all I need. Time will heal, and the moments of uncertainty will pass. Life will go on. and I will be stronger than ever. With that, I leave with this song that pretty much sums up what I'm feeling at the moment.

I wake up and i'm sober--don't even know you anymore.
Punch drunk on a feeling lost in believing I was sure.
I don't care what you have to say.
Damn words get in the way, I don't wanna know.
I know there'll come a time when I look you in the eyes and say, "I told you so"
And I promise you this: you're gonna miss me, miss me.
As long as you live, you're gonna miss me. Miss me.

Heart to heart

There are times when I'm extremely confused about us. Are we meant to last? Why do I question if you want to be with me or not. The things you say offend me. I hate to be a burden, I hate to make you miss out on life. "I want to hang out with my friends." Um what? Sorry, you always have to make me your priority. Do  I not let you hang out with friends? Then why did I get the message that I'm the reason why you don't go to a  lot of things. As if I can dictate your life. I'm feeling extremely upset, more upset this morning than I did last night. I don't know anymore.

Next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior.

I feel like I have to blog out my feelings before I go ballistic. It's not like it's the first time these thoughts have occurred to me. It's been an ongoing process within the past couple of weeks. Some days it's stronger than others, some days I can brush it off, but right now it's the biggest thing on my mind and heaviest thing in my heart.

I just talked with my boyfriend about it so I think I'll summarize it in a couple of words.

Where did my feelings go? Why don't I feel as special as I once was? Why do I feel like I'm constantly competing with every other thing going on in your life?

I'm sure life will go back to normal once school starts. It always does. Last summer was just as rough for my relationship but circumstances were different than now. And if they don't, I don't know what I'm going to do except...the inevitable.