Another night time of missing you

Some days I'll be fine, and some days you'll randomly pop into my head. And then I can't get you out no matter how hard I try. I wallow in thoughts of us at our peak, full of love for each other. I think about all the times we go out, as a couple. To your friends parties back home, to my parties in LA, and movies, and eating, to sleepovers at your place, staying out late at night past midnight, to chilling with nothing better to do than laugh at ourselves...where did those times go. I really miss it and I miss talking to you. But I know nothing good will come out of it. I know I have to be strong, especially because people will talk. and I know they've already begun talking. I'm weakest when it comes to rumors, I don't have a strong shell no matter how hard I try. But I know I have to keep my mouth shut and keep things simple. People just want to gossip  but we're not going to give them a reason to talk. Cause at the end of the day, we know what went down and we know ourselves best.

When I get sad at the fact we aren't together anymore, I think about what my mom tells me. "Nguoi nao phai co du nhan duyen thi moi den, khi het nhan duyen hay khong du nhan duyen, nguoi ay se di." Basically there are multiple causes in our lives and our past lives that lead us to where we are today. If you are predestined to be with someone, then there will be multiple causes drawing you two together, and if not, we shouldn't fight it. Maybe we weren't meant to be, maybe we were. The law of causality tells us to not hold a grudge onto things that didn't work out because everything is always changing. We should just go with the flow, keep an open mind and accept the present. I've accepted the fact already, but I do admit, a part of me is still holding on, which I think is normal. I'll get thru this.

Saying goodbye is hard

when you still have a gateway to the other person's thoughts and feelings. How can I let go, when you are still a big part of me? It seems like ten thousand years ago when we said goodbye, maybe it has been this way in my heart. No longer heartbroken, that has pass. What's only left is thoughts and memories of the good times and bad. I think of the good times, and I get a bit sad inside, I know I still am holding on. I think of the bad times, and I get angry, because I know I deserved more time and effort than what you gave me. You may think we ended on good terms and no hard feelings, but I think no. Yes, we were mature about it, but I'm not going to take the crap you threw at me. I'm through with this, I'm done with obsessing over what you are up to now. Cause honey, caring about your well-being is no longer a job of mine. It was probably a hard decision to make, but it has been made. There is no other way to see it. Your life is falling apart? Well, you are own your own to deal with it. Frankly, I'm done with caring.

And that, in a sense, is how I am liberated from my emotions. Us was a thing of the past, and now I only have myself to work on and it's going to be better and brighter from here on out. Sorry boy, you lucked out.

Early morning thoughts

You really admire how well I'm taking this entire situation? Well sometimes being strong is the only option I've got. I can't turn back time nor do I not wish that it didn't happen, but I don't have much choice. Sometimes our only option is to keep moving forward, to see our losses as losses but as gains. And as much as it makes me sad to see how our lives are splitting in different directions, I feel it is inevitable. Yes those past three years of life were amazing but those rules no longer applied. You were the one to decide you didn't need me anymore, and that's totally okay. I'm tired of wasting my time on things that don't reciprocate. Your loss, my gain. It really surprises me how well I am taking this. Would we ever get back and grow old together? Maybe, I'm not gonna say no, but not right now. Maybe not even in 2 or 3 years. I want to refigure myself out first, and really explore all of life's secrets. Then maybe, if we both mature and change and decide we want to commit again, that's fine. But if not, the entire world is up ahead of us. It's about time we close the door on this chapter of our lives and begin a new one.

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes

Just fighting to get through the night
I'm losing it
With every move I die

I'm fading, I'm broken inside
I've wasted the love of my life
I'm losing it
With every move I die

This is it and now you're really gone this time
Never once thought I'd be in pieces left be

Pick me up

Dear Denise,

Did I ever tell you how gorgeous you are? Your smile radiates and shines from light years away. Your presence lights up the entire room. Don't ever feel like you aren't good enough because dear, you are the most precious thing in the world. You have an enormous imagination, always dreaming of fantasies and adventures. You dream of big things and I know you will accomplish great things with all of your willpower. You have the biggest heart I have ever seen, and you do things for others without asking for something in return. You have a peaceful mind that knows no argument--always wishing to resolve conflict instead of starting them. Dear, this mode of hurt and angriness is only temporary. Your body doesn't know how to handle te hormone imbalance so it makes you feel this way, but it's okay. Stay bright and happy; don't let the clusterfuck of emotions cloud your judgement. Stay calm and it, too, shall pass. The day is still young and beautiful, just like you.

Love,

Yourself.

Pocket full of sunshine

Ain't nothing like summer. Beautiful, magnificent, splendid, carefree, warm. My brother is in town with his kid and wife and Daniel and I have been chauffeuring them around town. The kid is quite lovely and cute. Life is pretty good, I can't complain. I am a happy bee and nothing is bringing me down. My relationships with people are improving, especially with my boyfriend. I've learned to not be jealous because I have his heart upon my sleeve. Just gotta be confident. 

 

Let me curl up like a roly poly.

Rejected. This is how I feel. Isn't it suppose to be the other way around? Yet, you make me be very direct because you won't say/do anything and when I'm rejected, it's embarrassing. Good luck with trying, I'm done persuading you on this. Lets hope I can just keep the promise to myself.