When you miss him

or miss the times you had, the memories shared, think about how he wasn't giving you what you wanted. All you wanted was his time. You were ready to offer him your world, but he wasn't willing to compromise his. Remember that, and remember why you are so much better and happier off without him. Give yourself a little more credit, D. It takes two to keep a relationship alive and you couldn't have gone on any longer pretending you were okay with everything.  If he was willing to make time for his new friends and position, he should have found the time to treat you like a queen, the girl who's always been there for him even though everyone else knew she deserved better. And he fail to realize that, so forget the loser and find someone better. You can do better. Never settle, and never forget the lessons this has taught you.

Merry Christmas.

Advice from a friend

"Whoever he likes shouldn't be on your mind anymore you've moved on, and even though you may always have some feelings for him, there is no reason why you should dislike her. You dislike the fact that he likes her, but she hasn't done anything. I know it's hard, but if you are really ok with you and him being apart, you KNOW he isn't the right one for you, so any girl he is with is of no relevance to you. And if you look on the flip side, she might feel a bit uncomfortable around you too so I don't think you should spend energy hating her."

"They said it's important to surround yourself with people who make you happy. people who make you laugh, who help you when you're in need. So cheers to the friend who picked me up when my heart was shattered, who watched me struggled and cried, and never gave up on me. I owe so much of my happiness and success to the love you have blessed me with. May you have the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realize how incredible and special you truly are." -KPD

I saw this caption on instagram and knew I had to record it to remember it forever. Beautifully written.

Dear No One

I like being independent
Not so much of an investment
No one to tell me what to do
I like being by myself
Don’t gotta entertain anybody else
No one to answer to

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when its cold
Got that young love even when we’re old
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you
But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You’ll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song

I’d love to have a soul mate. God will give him to me someday & I know it’ll be worth the wait.

Makes me happy

It's really interesting how my parents back then were the kinds of people who didn't have any plans on a Saturday night. All they did was work, eat tai chi and sleep. And take us to school and shop with us. I use to think the sole purpose of their life was just for my brother and I. Day by day, it was always the same routine.

Now that Daniel and I have grown up, my parents are even busier than I am! They have so many socials and events, it's kinda crazy! It's weird to call my mom and have her tell me that she just got back from san diego or she and dad just got back from a house party...LOL what? I know I'm not around as much, and that I'm shaping my own life...but  it's weird to see her and dad move on too! It's like we're constantly changing as a family. I'm slowly growing as a person and she as well, but in different aspects. My parents are learning to enjoy life (they never went out much even before they made a family) with their friends, temple and my brother and I are doing big things too. It's amazing to think about all of that in retrospect. It makes me really happy that they are having fun, doing new things, challenging themselves, living every day to the fullest. I'm just happy and grateful they still love me so much even though I'm like the worst daughter in the world. I'm just in a very grateful and happy mood lately and it's quite nice. Blessed with the best.

Progress

My progress this past week has been surprisingly...good! It's been since four days since I've stumbled across your tumblr. I just didn't have any urges too, I guess. I mean, wednesday night I was about to type in the url, and then I stopped myself. Because I felt weird in my stomach and I realize I didn't need to know last night what you've been up to. And just right now, this morning, I literally had the url in the url bar. All I had to do was click enter and it would redirect me there. But for some reason, I exited the window. Maybe it's finally working. I really don't need to know what you are up to and your whereabouts. Maybe being hurt sunday night was the final straw? it sure didn't feel like it, but since then I realize I just didn't care. It hurts too much to know and I'm better not knowing. :)

First family dorm dinner on tuesday was a HUGE success!! I literally wanted to cry when I saw everyone's happy faces...ZOMG. And I ran into someone that I once knew and we started talking on facebook! LOL, it's nothing really. but the fact that someone actually wanted to talk, and that I could carry on a conversation gives me hope that I can meet new people who are interested in talking to me. Also, I got a job offer yesterday afternoon! No longer unemployed, bitch! :D I guess I made a lasting impression on my interviewer. They were interviewing a bunch of people and only hiring one, and they asked legitimate interview questions too, that I wasn't quite prepared for. But like Limbroco said, just be yourself. I wouldn't tell this to a lot of people, but for you, be yourself. He probably has no idea how his words impacted my attitude towards interviews.. LOL but I was actually myself this time. Captivating, thrilled, genuine, it was like having a real conversation with my interviewer and I was totally laxed. Maybe I can do this. Plus, it totally pays more than my old job that I worked my ass off for! Also, we presented our project ideas in lab yesterday as well and I think I did a pretty damn good job. I looked at audience, was my genuine self, it's getting there. My kaplan pcat book finally arrived too! Just got to get into my last ochem lab next quarter and life might as well be on its way up. Plus its Halloween today. Finally piecing my life back together and I know i'm meant for bigger and better things. What happens from here on out is mine and mine alone. It isn't shared with another person; I'm gonna wait for the one that challenges me to try harder and someone who fully appreciates me.

keep forward

Sometimes it hurts more than it should. But just know you are in a much better place now, and you can't go back. There's nothing to go back to. And yes, the months may have passed, but you miss him all the same. but slowly the hurt gets easier to deal and soon, he won't cross your mind at all. Baby steps, you need to take baby steps. know your worth and know you are destined for bigger and better things. this entire week may have been a step or two back, but sometimes we fall short. But most of the time, you will make it thru and you'll be able to take 2453583459 steps forward without looking back. you will make it there, dee. Trust.

The Single Woman’s 30-Day Blogging Challenge

I happen to come across this challenge and I thought I'd give it a try. Now I am only a creative blogger but I thought having a topic to blog about will spark my creativity. So let's try this :)

The Single Woman’s 30-Day Blogging Challenge

1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”
I'm single because I just got out of a long term serious relationship. I am exploring the single life while being in the last year of college. Figuring out who I am, the person I want to be, the future I want to have, and the person I want to be with. Single because I am not ready for a relationship at this point. I don't want to get to know someone all over again, get past all the awkward phasing, all the first dates, first kiss, first i-love-you's. I enjoy this time I have to myself because I can do whatever the fuck I want, with no one to judge me. I can be selfish and live for myself, to yolo and enjoy the moment to the fullest, not worrying about texting someone constantly, worrying about their well-being, putting their needs on top of mine. I enjoy getting extremely dolled up to everything, because I want to feel hot, and desired. I don't have game, but I don't mind, for I am not trying to get at anyone. I am merely a good girl, trying to have fun. And the guy will come, when the time is right. :)

2)      Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked

When a mutual friend posts an picture on instagram about her anniversary with her boyfriend and how being long distance really sucks but seeing him makes all the difference. When they are so happy together and happily in love. When everyone else is shipping thing. When you check the number of likes she had and you see that your ex liked it too. And you wonder if he's thinking of you and how it could have been the two of you, instead of just two lonely confused souls. That is when being single absolutely sucks because you wish you were back in time with your ex lover enjoying the moment. And now you are paving your own paths by yourself. I wonder if I ever cross your mind as much as you do in mine.

3)      Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

4)      Your biggest fear as a single person.

5)      The biggest misconception you think people have about single life

6)      Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”

7)      Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

8)      Five things that are most important to you in a future mate

9)      Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)

10)   Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you

11)   Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date

12)   Your proudest accomplishment

13)   Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship

14)   Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful

15)   Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?

16)   If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?

17)   What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?

18)   If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?

19)   What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?

20)   Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it

21)   How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?

22)   What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?

23)   Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)

24)   If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?

25)   Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?

26)   Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why

27)   Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.

28)   Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc.

29)   Who is your closest or most special friend that you’ve never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.

30)   Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say.

slowly it becomes natural

I don't miss you as much, nor do I think about you as much. I've been too caught up with my own life, and trying to live it to the fullest. I surround myself with people who make me happy, people who encourage me to try harder, people who dare me to think outside the box. They see what I'm capable of, even when I can't see it myself. And it is because of them, that I am able to to thrive. They tell me, "you could do so much better. it was only a matter of time until you two are broken up. you deserve the best. don't settle. you need to be with someone who sees your worth and treats you properly." It never occurred to me that so many people were secretly rooting for our break up. Because they didn't like you, or they knew you weren't everything I wanted. They knew I was wasting my time and I think secretly, I knew it too. I just didn't want to admit it. It comes past the point that I still care about you and what you think, how in love I was back then, it all becomes part of my past. Slowly it becomes easier to not talk about you, or think about you, or wonder what you are up to. I still check up on you every so often, but it is no longer as frequent and obsessive as it was before. It still pains me why you blocked me on facebook, but it makes it easier to have no contact with you. Slowly it becomes easier.

"Slowly I'm learning about the person I am, who I want to be with, and the kind of life I want to live"

I think I will always remember this quote from you. It stings, yet it sets an example for me to follow. It seems like I'm the only one who is taking this break up badly. You seem to be fine, moving on, having fun, finding yourself. And me? Half the time I'm stuck in the past, half the time I'm stuck in the present. I want to find out more about myself, and yet part of me can't let go. I'm trying to forget you, yet I know that is not the answer. Then what is the answer? When will I figure it out and how long will that take me. I want to grow, I need to grow yet all I seek is vengeance and acceptance from others. Some days I'll be fine, yet some days I ask myself, what is the purpose in life? I'm searching for distractions, yet I'm not satisfied with my results. I'm still too hung up on you. The past is something I have always been able to cover up, yet I don't want to bury the hole that is three years of my life. You seem to ease casually into it, yet for me, I hit rocks and bumps wherever I go. With every bit of me, I wish I was over it. I feel this is something I'll be struggling all throughout senior year of college. Maybe one day I will be able to get over it. Just one day. I see my friends all progressed and get happier each day and more confident. I am too, on the outside, but on the inside, I make backward progress. I'm insecure all over again, there is no substance, no emotion. I'm still lost and sometimes it is a bit hard to pick me up. Therefore I resort to blogging for I feel it is the only option I have to express what I feel for sometimes I bother my friends too much. One day I will be fine. Just one day. Let me know when.

Senior year bucketlist

You only live once, so live it to the fullest. One last chance to make it right.

1. Bottomless mimosas
2. Apartment 309 Vegas trip
3. Go to a bar in DTLA or DTF
4. Chalk campus at midnight
5. Research
6. Go to a UCLA basketball game
7. Get a job :)
8. Clothespin compliment on bruin walk
9. Attend a dance workshop
10. Get a GPA of 3.5 or higher for one quarter.

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

well you know what.

FUCK YOU. I can't believe I let myself to believe the good in people. There is no good in the situation. I can't trust people. I can't trust your feelings. And most of all, I'm mad at myself for believing this way. Mad that for so long I thought you were still hurting. OBVIOUSLY NOT. You moved on so quick. And you try to ignore the rumors? They were fucking true. Because you two made it so obvious. AND I SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT IT SOONER. You didn't want to be with me anymore. Because another girl came along and showed you the way. And now you go on dates and make it on the dL, but everyone knows the truth. I know the truth. She ain't nothing more than a homewrecker and you ain't nothing than on the rebound. Going on dates and shit. Oh yeah, I see it. You went on a fucking date with her, not even a week after we broke up. Girl, marking her territory reallll fast. But it's cool. Cus I don't need someone like you in my life. I need someone who ain't afraid to show me what I'm worth. Someone who will treasure me beyond words. This ain't the end. This just the beginning.

How

do I stop myself from caring. It still cuts deeply. No matter how busy I get with my life, I still care about you. And it hurts me every time. I have to stop. You don't feel the same about me anymore. I have to stop. But how. The pain sucks. I need to be away from my computer, for that makes me check your doings constantly. Another couple just got into a relationship today. I wonder, how long will that keep up until it will be you. and her. and I will be here, crying my heart out. Just stab my heart already, the pain still hurts. But I have to admit, it feels good to cry today. I haven't cried about you since...the day we broke up and it feels good to let it out. Even for a quick five seconds. You shouldn't have that control over me. Only I can control myself. It doesn't make me any happier when I check up on you, but I can't stop. I need to stop. I need help.

Stop.

You have to stop Denise. What you are doing is only hurting yourself. Save your heart from the pain. I know you still care deeply but you have to stop. For that is the only way you will move on. You can do it. I believe in you.

empty spaces

it's as if you don't give a fuck anymore. it's been about a month and a half and i still find myself thinking about you. you're always in my thoughts even when i'm about having fun. i wonder if you still care. i know you probably don't and i know i should move on. it's hard. yes, i'm having fun and my days are booked and sometimes i wish i can tell you whats going on. but i know i can't. it would hurt too much to pick at this wound and you probably would only listen out of politeness.

There's a sad beauty in love

Tonight I am feeling okay. I don't miss you to the point that it hurts. I am just sad, sad that something once so special that I had hoped to work out in the end, didn't. I think if I were to see you right now, and had my way, I would just hug you and cry my heart out. Not because I miss you or want you back in my life, but that it didn't work out. Which really makes myself skeptical on love. Love is such a weird concept. You get emotionally and physically attached to someone and imagine your entire future with them. Yet it is so fleeting and can change in an instant when economic hardships arrive, other pretty people, tragedy... We go thru our entire lives trying to find a suitable companion, a soulmate that we think we can endure for the rest of our lives. So we fall in love, get married, raise a family...and then what? Arguments? Divorce? Infidelity? They say 50% of all US marriages end in divorce. Why? Because the love we think we feel isn't really love. Love is when you put the other persons needs on top of your own, because you genuinely care for them. Love is when you treat the other person like how you treat yourself, without ever asking for anything in return. And have your significant other reciprocate the exact same things to you. That they will love you no matter how time passes, how your beauty fades, thru the debts, illnesses, deaths...and that to me, is unconditional love. The illusion that everyone seeks but few find. You have to be utterly selfless, I would think, and all the nhan duyen (the law of casualty) would have to align. And this is why I call it, the sad beauty of love

Raw pain

I'm not gonna deny. It hurts. I feel empty, speechless, but I don't feel like crying. There's a whole in my chest, and for once I'm okay with it. I've past the point where I still really care. I finally unfriended you, so I can be free. It was the last step, but it needed to happen. I no longer believe that we will have a future together. I believe I'm better than this. I shouldn't be wasting my time. They all knew this, knew what I didn't want to admit to myself. But now that it's over, I hope to sore to greater heights. I am beyond hurt right now for the moment, but I'll be okay. Despite the emptiness, I am appreciating the quiet beauties of life. The sun, the breeze, my family and friends. I am learning to love myself again, slowly but surely. I am slowly refinding myself again. I don't know how long this process will take, but I will teach it eventually.

"Thomas Edison's last words were, 'Its very beautiful over there.' I don't know know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere and I hope it's beautiful"

-John green, Looking for Alaska

Miss Movin' On

I'm not the way that I used to be

I took the record off repeat
It killed me but I survived
And now I'm coming alive
I'll never be that girl again

I broke the glass surrounding me
I ain't the way you remember me
I was such a good girl
So fragile but no more

I jumped the fence to the other side
My whole world was electrified
Now I'm no longer afraid
It's Independence Day

My innocence is wearin' thin
But my heart is growing strong
So call me, call me, call me
Miss movin' on

Everything is changing and I never wanna go back to the way it was
I'm finding who I am and who I am from here and now is gonna be enough

I'll never be that girl again

Dear Denise

I know you may think that no one cares anymore. I know you may question if people like you for who you are, not what you have. I know you are sad because you have basically turned away every possible person to really truly care for you: your family. I know you feel hopeless, depressed even. I know you feel alone, that the people who said they care, don't really care because they have their own lives to take care of. I know each day is long, that the joys in life have temporarily disappeared, that the love of your life simply chose to walk out on you. Don't despair. You have to get the notion out of your head that one day you will get back together, for that will only bring you sadness as you try to envision how your paths will cross again. You are now a free woman, no chains holding you back, free to express yourself in whichever way you want. Yes, you may be a little broke right now, but it's okay. In two more weeks, you'll be back on your game, making bank. And then everything will work out perfectly. Focus on your grades, you have only one year left to make it count, YOU MUST MAKE IT COUNT. These sad times are only temporarily, they will pass. You will find the strength to carry on, to make new friendships, meet many people, fall in love...in time. Believe in that. Believe in yourself, when you are skeptical about the future. Trust, love, appreciate the world and all of its beauties. Focus inward. Give back. Stop thinking about the what-ifs, and the past, they will bring no happiness to you right now. Laugh, talk, explore. You need to learn to love yourself again, and I believe you can do it. It only takes time. Those insecurities..only come from YOU, not the outside. Remember, you have EVERYTHING to gain, you are not missing out on anything. Life works in strange ways, don't you think? You've gotten over heartbreaks before. Remember C? You thought he was the love of your life, and see how long that lasted. You have risen to such great heights since you left him, and you never stopped to turn back. Yes it was painful, and took you an entire year, but you were young then. You are still young now. :) The next couple months might still be painful, but trust that one day, you will be able to look back and say it doesn't affect you anymore. You WILL BE ABLE to look back, without a sad smile on your face, you will get over it, I KNOW YOU WILL. You must. For when one door closes, another one opens and honey, you need to take that door with everything you got. Remember, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. By the end of it, you won't be lying late at night thinking about what had happen. Girl, be strong. You must. Love yourself, and the ones that mattered. Your family, Buddha, GDPT, your best friends who stuck by you in times of despair. No second thoughts, they love you. You just need to learn to love yourself again. :)

Still at the bottom

The days are hot, and the nights are long.
The mood is depressing, and the appetite's gone.
Motivation is lacking, the strength ain't there.
The question is same as always, do you still care?

You know your mistakes, I'm well aware of mine.
Both of us knew, that this was the time.
We had to let go, bid not our last goodbyes
But only a "see you later" with tears in my eyes

With our last words still fresh on my mind
Lost in my own grief, yet I know it will only take time
Give me strength to move on, I pray I won't forget
the love that we had, none of it will ever be a regret.

I still think of you, once or twice every night.
what are you up to, and are you alright?
I know better than to contact you, because what good would it do
than to stir up old feelings, I'm still attracted to you.

They tell me I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Yet I'm still waiting for that day, when it no longer brings me pain.
Stay strong, they say. Shine bright, they say.
I hope I can finally get some sleep tonight, and I'll keep waiting for the next day.