Sometimes I wish I can get away. Just to escape this place I call home for a day, a week, a year and then come home to a newly refurbish place, with cool leather couches, a polished hardwood floor, a room of my own, painted in something other than boring white. Come home to spacious rooms, newly painted, bathrooms, clean and shiny, grass, crisp and green.
This summer, more than ever, I feel ashamed of my house. Living in the dorms where everything is new and clean and in my grasp, to visiting my friends' houses where the rooms are newly remodeled and decorated. Then coming home to my mom constantly complaining how shitty our place looks, how my dad lacks motivation and imagination to reorganize everything, how she doesn't have time to rearrange the stack of old shit buried in the corner to how rusty our fences are, how we don't see all the cracks in the wall as she does. In fact, we do. Or at least I do. But I feel powerless to change anything. If I could, I would sort through everything and throw away all the unnecessary junk accumulating over the past 20 years of my life. Maybe if I could, I'd paint over the walls to some hip color. Or clean the rooms, weed the gardens... I can't because I feel that this is YOUR place and I don't know where any shit is. You store away things in your own secret corner and if I ask you, it's always such a hassle.
Maybe that's the reason why I always feel so powerless when I'm at home. I mean, it's nice to have a place to stay and parents to provide for you, but I'm a growing young woman. My mature mind is processing and pretty soon I think I need my own space to decorate. Every night I come home crawling back into my little hole in the ground, waiting for the next day to come. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my house but I always feel like there's something more to it that could be done. But what could I do--a poor college student whose going to be in serious debt by the time she finishes her undergrad. What can I possibly do knowing fully well that I'm going to be in deeper debt by the time I finish pharmacy school. What is there to do? I want so much more than I can afford: a new point and shoot, a fancy wristwatch, shoes... simple things by society's standards. Money to occasionally eat out and enjoy life with friends, to buy beautiful clothes to stay in style, to shower my family with gifts, I'm living on a day to day basis. Currently not working, but once I start working in August, once school starts, I have rent to pay, bills, tuition, books to worry about... demands way too high to meet my meek wages.
I wish there was a way to make decent money at such a young age. Something to help my parents to compensate for my daily demands. Something to give me hope that one day my loans will be paid off. Something to reassure me that my future is reachable, that my Pharm D. is worth it. That the 200K debt I'll be in, will be paid off within a year or two. That when I start my own family, I can afford a house, a car and everything else without having to struggle over how my kids will live through the next day. Don't we all wish the same thing? Isn't it all part of the American Dream? Struggle now so hopefully the younger generations don't have to struggle? Everyone's thinking of it, I'm not the first to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm digging deeper into this hole; hopefully one day, I can crawl out and bury it with my success.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
YOWA: You're only Woodsey always
Where do I even begin? It was one of the most life fulfilling week of my life, filled with warm fuzzies and happiness.
The week started off roughly with several buses breaking down and arriving late so our opening campfire for Day 1 was delayed until Day 2. Nonetheless the counselors and specialists were extremely excited to finally meet our kids, to finally apply our 100 hours of training to real life. The first day was pretty chill. Nothing went according to plan but we were all really flexible. Specialists all slept in the same cabin (warm fuzzies right there) as we wait for day 2 to begin.
The next day we had Adopt-a-specialist program to find which unit we get adopted into. I had the pleasure of being adopted into Unit 7 with Money and Spirt along with Jerms. The day's rotations ran pretty smoothly. Co & I switched off in teaching the kids One Direction-What makes you beautiful and Thug Le (Indian cultural piece) We had our opening campfire that night.
Day 3 was our hump day. We had to teach the kids a different piece since they already learn the first two pieces so we decided to teach them Thriller. Unfortunately, we were dancing at the campfire and the bugs were swarming everywhere and our speakers weren't working and the dance was just too well, Michael Jackson style. The kids weren't digging it and we lost our patience. Or rather I did. The last rotation is always the hardest. We had to teach 3 units Bieber's Boyfriend which was too difficult and technical for them. I think the boys enjoyed it more than the girls and again I lost my patience. My unit wasn't too in sync with each other either.
Day 4 was fairly good. We abandon all efforts to teach them Thriller and Boyfriend. Instead we taught them Stronger and Glad you came. Fairly easy pieces and we even go a free rotation. Once we learn to be flexible, programming became a lot easier :) Was this fourth of July? RIBS FOR DINNER, SO GOOD. Unit night that night and it didn't go as planned. We ended up missing the Fourth of July Star Viewing thing because the girls took a while to reach for their dreams. The activity backfired--the girls grew more distant instead of coming together...
Day 5 was pretty good day. Our night hike was pretty successful and I felt that the debrief was appropriate and made up for our fail Unit Night. Received our happy notes during campfire and I bawled my eyes out like a child. Thank you for those who took your time to write me these happy letters. I feel so spesh ^_^
Day 6... man camp is passing by like a dream :) SPECIALIST SWIM! TALENT SHOW! Specialists rewrote lyrics to Hey There Delilah and it was super cute! Co and I were have commentaries to each performance from the kids. We remembered which kids gave us a hard time and which ones listen. LOL And two of my girls did improv with Bones and actually beat him! Proud aunt moment :')
Day 7: Ending campfire and the last of our rotations. The rotations for the rest of the week went by smoothly. Co and I did our best not to lose our patience because kids will just be kids. They do fine in praise but poorly in anger. Our all camper programs went by smoothly as well. I think by now we all gave up trying and getting all the kids to participate and all the kids were tired of fighting back so everyone just went with the flow. Face painted for the first time, LOL. Specialists got together 10 minutes before closing campfire and came up with our YOWA skit (You're only woodsey always) and made fun of all the campers and their weird habits. LOL Good night :)
Day 8: Hooray, last day! It was great that all the campers started tearing up. Glad to see that they will miss camp despite all the crap they gave us. So happy to see them go (thank god, LOL) We started cussing and singing inappropriate songs, felt so good! ^_^ Closing chapel was pretty fun :) and then Post session festivities were another story ;)
Thank you Unicamp for giving me an opportunity to inspire someone's life. To motivate them to pursue higher education, to have them think about their future at such an early age. I know in areas of extreme poverty we all wonder where our next meal will come from or how we'll make it thru to the next day. I'm glad I was able to touch the kids' hearts. For each person that I was able to inspire, they are worth every minute of camp that I had to endure, and worth every single training hour I had to go thru and every sacrifice that I had to make in order to be a specialist. Worth every test that I bombed because I had meetings to go to, worth all the shit I gave up during spring quarter. And because of this, I know why everyone keeps coming back. Once Woodsey, always Woodsey.
The week started off roughly with several buses breaking down and arriving late so our opening campfire for Day 1 was delayed until Day 2. Nonetheless the counselors and specialists were extremely excited to finally meet our kids, to finally apply our 100 hours of training to real life. The first day was pretty chill. Nothing went according to plan but we were all really flexible. Specialists all slept in the same cabin (warm fuzzies right there) as we wait for day 2 to begin.
The next day we had Adopt-a-specialist program to find which unit we get adopted into. I had the pleasure of being adopted into Unit 7 with Money and Spirt along with Jerms. The day's rotations ran pretty smoothly. Co & I switched off in teaching the kids One Direction-What makes you beautiful and Thug Le (Indian cultural piece) We had our opening campfire that night.
Day 3 was our hump day. We had to teach the kids a different piece since they already learn the first two pieces so we decided to teach them Thriller. Unfortunately, we were dancing at the campfire and the bugs were swarming everywhere and our speakers weren't working and the dance was just too well, Michael Jackson style. The kids weren't digging it and we lost our patience. Or rather I did. The last rotation is always the hardest. We had to teach 3 units Bieber's Boyfriend which was too difficult and technical for them. I think the boys enjoyed it more than the girls and again I lost my patience. My unit wasn't too in sync with each other either.
Day 4 was fairly good. We abandon all efforts to teach them Thriller and Boyfriend. Instead we taught them Stronger and Glad you came. Fairly easy pieces and we even go a free rotation. Once we learn to be flexible, programming became a lot easier :) Was this fourth of July? RIBS FOR DINNER, SO GOOD. Unit night that night and it didn't go as planned. We ended up missing the Fourth of July Star Viewing thing because the girls took a while to reach for their dreams. The activity backfired--the girls grew more distant instead of coming together...
Day 5 was pretty good day. Our night hike was pretty successful and I felt that the debrief was appropriate and made up for our fail Unit Night. Received our happy notes during campfire and I bawled my eyes out like a child. Thank you for those who took your time to write me these happy letters. I feel so spesh ^_^
Day 6... man camp is passing by like a dream :) SPECIALIST SWIM! TALENT SHOW! Specialists rewrote lyrics to Hey There Delilah and it was super cute! Co and I were have commentaries to each performance from the kids. We remembered which kids gave us a hard time and which ones listen. LOL And two of my girls did improv with Bones and actually beat him! Proud aunt moment :')
Day 7: Ending campfire and the last of our rotations. The rotations for the rest of the week went by smoothly. Co and I did our best not to lose our patience because kids will just be kids. They do fine in praise but poorly in anger. Our all camper programs went by smoothly as well. I think by now we all gave up trying and getting all the kids to participate and all the kids were tired of fighting back so everyone just went with the flow. Face painted for the first time, LOL. Specialists got together 10 minutes before closing campfire and came up with our YOWA skit (You're only woodsey always) and made fun of all the campers and their weird habits. LOL Good night :)
Day 8: Hooray, last day! It was great that all the campers started tearing up. Glad to see that they will miss camp despite all the crap they gave us. So happy to see them go (thank god, LOL) We started cussing and singing inappropriate songs, felt so good! ^_^ Closing chapel was pretty fun :) and then Post session festivities were another story ;)
Thank you Unicamp for giving me an opportunity to inspire someone's life. To motivate them to pursue higher education, to have them think about their future at such an early age. I know in areas of extreme poverty we all wonder where our next meal will come from or how we'll make it thru to the next day. I'm glad I was able to touch the kids' hearts. For each person that I was able to inspire, they are worth every minute of camp that I had to endure, and worth every single training hour I had to go thru and every sacrifice that I had to make in order to be a specialist. Worth every test that I bombed because I had meetings to go to, worth all the shit I gave up during spring quarter. And because of this, I know why everyone keeps coming back. Once Woodsey, always Woodsey.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own savior.
I feel like I have to blog out my feelings before I go ballistic. It's not like it's the first time these thoughts have occurred to me. It's been an ongoing process within the past couple of weeks. Some days it's stronger than others, some days I can brush it off, but right now it's the biggest thing on my mind and heaviest thing in my heart.
I just talked with my boyfriend about it so I think I'll summarize it in a couple of words.
Where did my feelings go? Why don't I feel as special as I once was? Why do I feel like I'm constantly competing with every other thing going on in your life?
I'm sure life will go back to normal once school starts. It always does. Last summer was just as rough for my relationship but circumstances were different than now. And if they don't, I don't know what I'm going to do except...the inevitable.
I just talked with my boyfriend about it so I think I'll summarize it in a couple of words.
Where did my feelings go? Why don't I feel as special as I once was? Why do I feel like I'm constantly competing with every other thing going on in your life?
I'm sure life will go back to normal once school starts. It always does. Last summer was just as rough for my relationship but circumstances were different than now. And if they don't, I don't know what I'm going to do except...the inevitable.
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