There is nothing wrong with wanting attention. It doesn't make you selfish. It doesn't make you desperate or pathetic or weak. It makes you human. We all want to be noticed. We all need to feel seen and heard and valued. And we all deserve to have those needs met. You are no exception. You deserve to take up space. You deserve to be acknowledged and loved and cared for. You deserve to shine. Don't let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.

--Daniell Koepke

Stronger than yesterday

I declare this rock bottom. No longer will I mope around waiting for your attention. No longer will I constantly check facebook and tumblr for your whereabouts. No longer will I stalk other people's twitters just to see them reply to you. No more. I am no determined to live my own life. I will not look at your stuff for that will only bring back memories. I will not wonder what went wrong, who's fault it was, whether you still care. No more. No more sad tweets over twitter how I can't go on, or how my heart hurts. I will not deny anything. YES, I am hurting, YES I am constantly thinking about you, but NO LONGER WILL IT DICTATE MY LIFE. I am done with moping. Before I start the constant battle of going over what happen, I will agree, the feelings were MUTUAL. Meaning both parties had been thinking about the same thing. Which means, NO MORE REGRETS. Yes, I understand that I am sad, but I MUST ACCEPT THE CHANGE. I will rise from the ashes, doing things I love, talking to people I enjoy, and surrounding myself with things that MAKE ME HAPPY. Because you like me happy, my friends and family like me happy, and I want myself to be happy. So I gotta be happy and smile. :)

Honestly, I think this extreme case of mood swings has to do with my period. I am a day late and still waiting...so I've been extremely cranky, moody, sleepy, bitchy, and craving sweets like no other. But I shall manage. The show must go on. I know you have your own life to run, and I have mine. The more I think about us and what could have beens, the more clingy and upset I get. So the quickest step to being friends is to ACCEPT and MOVE ON. It's time I get myself together. Starting right now----

From KPD

So my advice to you is this. Cry. Cry it all out. It's okay. Cry when you don't want to. But time will heal all wounds. Believe me. Surround yourself with good people. Don't be afraid to open up to other people and reach out to your good friends. Keep yourself busy, and more than anything...love yourself. Learn to love yourself. Don't jump into any flings/things you're not ready for, but be open to take risks. Love is such a beautiful thing, and when the time is right....given the right person, you will do it all over again--

Sunday blues

I'm falling. I still check every possible social media to get a glimpse of your life. I don't know why I still do. I know it does me no good, it tears me up inside but I can't help it. I'm still hung up on you. Last night I cried myself to sleep again. Why, why. I was doing so fine the first week... And now I think it's hitting me hard. Every day it gets tougher to deal, knowing your no longer in my life. Sometimes I dream that you will walk back into mine, that somehow our paths will cross but I know it's only a girls hopeless fantasy. You walked away without the intention of turning back and I should too. It's hard, it's hard to deal, yeah I know. When every stupid thing at home reminds me of you. And of us, of what we had. Every place we've been to, now your making new adventures and memories with others. And I with my friends. Just like how before we got together. Now we are strangers again.

and with that, I'm done.

I did the impossible, but I'm extremely upset when all I wanted to be was happy. Maybe I will regret my decisions, maybe not. I can't handle another outlet that allows me to be hurt. and with that,


Deleted.

Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

Another night time of missing you

Some days I'll be fine, and some days you'll randomly pop into my head. And then I can't get you out no matter how hard I try. I wallow in thoughts of us at our peak, full of love for each other. I think about all the times we go out, as a couple. To your friends parties back home, to my parties in LA, and movies, and eating, to sleepovers at your place, staying out late at night past midnight, to chilling with nothing better to do than laugh at ourselves...where did those times go. I really miss it and I miss talking to you. But I know nothing good will come out of it. I know I have to be strong, especially because people will talk. and I know they've already begun talking. I'm weakest when it comes to rumors, I don't have a strong shell no matter how hard I try. But I know I have to keep my mouth shut and keep things simple. People just want to gossip  but we're not going to give them a reason to talk. Cause at the end of the day, we know what went down and we know ourselves best.

When I get sad at the fact we aren't together anymore, I think about what my mom tells me. "Nguoi nao phai co du nhan duyen thi moi den, khi het nhan duyen hay khong du nhan duyen, nguoi ay se di." Basically there are multiple causes in our lives and our past lives that lead us to where we are today. If you are predestined to be with someone, then there will be multiple causes drawing you two together, and if not, we shouldn't fight it. Maybe we weren't meant to be, maybe we were. The law of causality tells us to not hold a grudge onto things that didn't work out because everything is always changing. We should just go with the flow, keep an open mind and accept the present. I've accepted the fact already, but I do admit, a part of me is still holding on, which I think is normal. I'll get thru this.

Saying goodbye is hard

when you still have a gateway to the other person's thoughts and feelings. How can I let go, when you are still a big part of me? It seems like ten thousand years ago when we said goodbye, maybe it has been this way in my heart. No longer heartbroken, that has pass. What's only left is thoughts and memories of the good times and bad. I think of the good times, and I get a bit sad inside, I know I still am holding on. I think of the bad times, and I get angry, because I know I deserved more time and effort than what you gave me. You may think we ended on good terms and no hard feelings, but I think no. Yes, we were mature about it, but I'm not going to take the crap you threw at me. I'm through with this, I'm done with obsessing over what you are up to now. Cause honey, caring about your well-being is no longer a job of mine. It was probably a hard decision to make, but it has been made. There is no other way to see it. Your life is falling apart? Well, you are own your own to deal with it. Frankly, I'm done with caring.

And that, in a sense, is how I am liberated from my emotions. Us was a thing of the past, and now I only have myself to work on and it's going to be better and brighter from here on out. Sorry boy, you lucked out.

Early morning thoughts

You really admire how well I'm taking this entire situation? Well sometimes being strong is the only option I've got. I can't turn back time nor do I not wish that it didn't happen, but I don't have much choice. Sometimes our only option is to keep moving forward, to see our losses as losses but as gains. And as much as it makes me sad to see how our lives are splitting in different directions, I feel it is inevitable. Yes those past three years of life were amazing but those rules no longer applied. You were the one to decide you didn't need me anymore, and that's totally okay. I'm tired of wasting my time on things that don't reciprocate. Your loss, my gain. It really surprises me how well I am taking this. Would we ever get back and grow old together? Maybe, I'm not gonna say no, but not right now. Maybe not even in 2 or 3 years. I want to refigure myself out first, and really explore all of life's secrets. Then maybe, if we both mature and change and decide we want to commit again, that's fine. But if not, the entire world is up ahead of us. It's about time we close the door on this chapter of our lives and begin a new one.

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes

Just fighting to get through the night
I'm losing it
With every move I die

I'm fading, I'm broken inside
I've wasted the love of my life
I'm losing it
With every move I die

This is it and now you're really gone this time
Never once thought I'd be in pieces left be