well you know what.

FUCK YOU. I can't believe I let myself to believe the good in people. There is no good in the situation. I can't trust people. I can't trust your feelings. And most of all, I'm mad at myself for believing this way. Mad that for so long I thought you were still hurting. OBVIOUSLY NOT. You moved on so quick. And you try to ignore the rumors? They were fucking true. Because you two made it so obvious. AND I SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT IT SOONER. You didn't want to be with me anymore. Because another girl came along and showed you the way. And now you go on dates and make it on the dL, but everyone knows the truth. I know the truth. She ain't nothing more than a homewrecker and you ain't nothing than on the rebound. Going on dates and shit. Oh yeah, I see it. You went on a fucking date with her, not even a week after we broke up. Girl, marking her territory reallll fast. But it's cool. Cus I don't need someone like you in my life. I need someone who ain't afraid to show me what I'm worth. Someone who will treasure me beyond words. This ain't the end. This just the beginning.

How

do I stop myself from caring. It still cuts deeply. No matter how busy I get with my life, I still care about you. And it hurts me every time. I have to stop. You don't feel the same about me anymore. I have to stop. But how. The pain sucks. I need to be away from my computer, for that makes me check your doings constantly. Another couple just got into a relationship today. I wonder, how long will that keep up until it will be you. and her. and I will be here, crying my heart out. Just stab my heart already, the pain still hurts. But I have to admit, it feels good to cry today. I haven't cried about you since...the day we broke up and it feels good to let it out. Even for a quick five seconds. You shouldn't have that control over me. Only I can control myself. It doesn't make me any happier when I check up on you, but I can't stop. I need to stop. I need help.

Stop.

You have to stop Denise. What you are doing is only hurting yourself. Save your heart from the pain. I know you still care deeply but you have to stop. For that is the only way you will move on. You can do it. I believe in you.

empty spaces

it's as if you don't give a fuck anymore. it's been about a month and a half and i still find myself thinking about you. you're always in my thoughts even when i'm about having fun. i wonder if you still care. i know you probably don't and i know i should move on. it's hard. yes, i'm having fun and my days are booked and sometimes i wish i can tell you whats going on. but i know i can't. it would hurt too much to pick at this wound and you probably would only listen out of politeness.

There's a sad beauty in love

Tonight I am feeling okay. I don't miss you to the point that it hurts. I am just sad, sad that something once so special that I had hoped to work out in the end, didn't. I think if I were to see you right now, and had my way, I would just hug you and cry my heart out. Not because I miss you or want you back in my life, but that it didn't work out. Which really makes myself skeptical on love. Love is such a weird concept. You get emotionally and physically attached to someone and imagine your entire future with them. Yet it is so fleeting and can change in an instant when economic hardships arrive, other pretty people, tragedy... We go thru our entire lives trying to find a suitable companion, a soulmate that we think we can endure for the rest of our lives. So we fall in love, get married, raise a family...and then what? Arguments? Divorce? Infidelity? They say 50% of all US marriages end in divorce. Why? Because the love we think we feel isn't really love. Love is when you put the other persons needs on top of your own, because you genuinely care for them. Love is when you treat the other person like how you treat yourself, without ever asking for anything in return. And have your significant other reciprocate the exact same things to you. That they will love you no matter how time passes, how your beauty fades, thru the debts, illnesses, deaths...and that to me, is unconditional love. The illusion that everyone seeks but few find. You have to be utterly selfless, I would think, and all the nhan duyen (the law of casualty) would have to align. And this is why I call it, the sad beauty of love

Raw pain

I'm not gonna deny. It hurts. I feel empty, speechless, but I don't feel like crying. There's a whole in my chest, and for once I'm okay with it. I've past the point where I still really care. I finally unfriended you, so I can be free. It was the last step, but it needed to happen. I no longer believe that we will have a future together. I believe I'm better than this. I shouldn't be wasting my time. They all knew this, knew what I didn't want to admit to myself. But now that it's over, I hope to sore to greater heights. I am beyond hurt right now for the moment, but I'll be okay. Despite the emptiness, I am appreciating the quiet beauties of life. The sun, the breeze, my family and friends. I am learning to love myself again, slowly but surely. I am slowly refinding myself again. I don't know how long this process will take, but I will teach it eventually.

"Thomas Edison's last words were, 'Its very beautiful over there.' I don't know know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere and I hope it's beautiful"

-John green, Looking for Alaska

Miss Movin' On

I'm not the way that I used to be

I took the record off repeat
It killed me but I survived
And now I'm coming alive
I'll never be that girl again

I broke the glass surrounding me
I ain't the way you remember me
I was such a good girl
So fragile but no more

I jumped the fence to the other side
My whole world was electrified
Now I'm no longer afraid
It's Independence Day

My innocence is wearin' thin
But my heart is growing strong
So call me, call me, call me
Miss movin' on

Everything is changing and I never wanna go back to the way it was
I'm finding who I am and who I am from here and now is gonna be enough

I'll never be that girl again

Dear Denise

I know you may think that no one cares anymore. I know you may question if people like you for who you are, not what you have. I know you are sad because you have basically turned away every possible person to really truly care for you: your family. I know you feel hopeless, depressed even. I know you feel alone, that the people who said they care, don't really care because they have their own lives to take care of. I know each day is long, that the joys in life have temporarily disappeared, that the love of your life simply chose to walk out on you. Don't despair. You have to get the notion out of your head that one day you will get back together, for that will only bring you sadness as you try to envision how your paths will cross again. You are now a free woman, no chains holding you back, free to express yourself in whichever way you want. Yes, you may be a little broke right now, but it's okay. In two more weeks, you'll be back on your game, making bank. And then everything will work out perfectly. Focus on your grades, you have only one year left to make it count, YOU MUST MAKE IT COUNT. These sad times are only temporarily, they will pass. You will find the strength to carry on, to make new friendships, meet many people, fall in love...in time. Believe in that. Believe in yourself, when you are skeptical about the future. Trust, love, appreciate the world and all of its beauties. Focus inward. Give back. Stop thinking about the what-ifs, and the past, they will bring no happiness to you right now. Laugh, talk, explore. You need to learn to love yourself again, and I believe you can do it. It only takes time. Those insecurities..only come from YOU, not the outside. Remember, you have EVERYTHING to gain, you are not missing out on anything. Life works in strange ways, don't you think? You've gotten over heartbreaks before. Remember C? You thought he was the love of your life, and see how long that lasted. You have risen to such great heights since you left him, and you never stopped to turn back. Yes it was painful, and took you an entire year, but you were young then. You are still young now. :) The next couple months might still be painful, but trust that one day, you will be able to look back and say it doesn't affect you anymore. You WILL BE ABLE to look back, without a sad smile on your face, you will get over it, I KNOW YOU WILL. You must. For when one door closes, another one opens and honey, you need to take that door with everything you got. Remember, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. By the end of it, you won't be lying late at night thinking about what had happen. Girl, be strong. You must. Love yourself, and the ones that mattered. Your family, Buddha, GDPT, your best friends who stuck by you in times of despair. No second thoughts, they love you. You just need to learn to love yourself again. :)

Still at the bottom

The days are hot, and the nights are long.
The mood is depressing, and the appetite's gone.
Motivation is lacking, the strength ain't there.
The question is same as always, do you still care?

You know your mistakes, I'm well aware of mine.
Both of us knew, that this was the time.
We had to let go, bid not our last goodbyes
But only a "see you later" with tears in my eyes

With our last words still fresh on my mind
Lost in my own grief, yet I know it will only take time
Give me strength to move on, I pray I won't forget
the love that we had, none of it will ever be a regret.

I still think of you, once or twice every night.
what are you up to, and are you alright?
I know better than to contact you, because what good would it do
than to stir up old feelings, I'm still attracted to you.

They tell me I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Yet I'm still waiting for that day, when it no longer brings me pain.
Stay strong, they say. Shine bright, they say.
I hope I can finally get some sleep tonight, and I'll keep waiting for the next day.