Progress

My progress this past week has been surprisingly...good! It's been since four days since I've stumbled across your tumblr. I just didn't have any urges too, I guess. I mean, wednesday night I was about to type in the url, and then I stopped myself. Because I felt weird in my stomach and I realize I didn't need to know last night what you've been up to. And just right now, this morning, I literally had the url in the url bar. All I had to do was click enter and it would redirect me there. But for some reason, I exited the window. Maybe it's finally working. I really don't need to know what you are up to and your whereabouts. Maybe being hurt sunday night was the final straw? it sure didn't feel like it, but since then I realize I just didn't care. It hurts too much to know and I'm better not knowing. :)

First family dorm dinner on tuesday was a HUGE success!! I literally wanted to cry when I saw everyone's happy faces...ZOMG. And I ran into someone that I once knew and we started talking on facebook! LOL, it's nothing really. but the fact that someone actually wanted to talk, and that I could carry on a conversation gives me hope that I can meet new people who are interested in talking to me. Also, I got a job offer yesterday afternoon! No longer unemployed, bitch! :D I guess I made a lasting impression on my interviewer. They were interviewing a bunch of people and only hiring one, and they asked legitimate interview questions too, that I wasn't quite prepared for. But like Limbroco said, just be yourself. I wouldn't tell this to a lot of people, but for you, be yourself. He probably has no idea how his words impacted my attitude towards interviews.. LOL but I was actually myself this time. Captivating, thrilled, genuine, it was like having a real conversation with my interviewer and I was totally laxed. Maybe I can do this. Plus, it totally pays more than my old job that I worked my ass off for! Also, we presented our project ideas in lab yesterday as well and I think I did a pretty damn good job. I looked at audience, was my genuine self, it's getting there. My kaplan pcat book finally arrived too! Just got to get into my last ochem lab next quarter and life might as well be on its way up. Plus its Halloween today. Finally piecing my life back together and I know i'm meant for bigger and better things. What happens from here on out is mine and mine alone. It isn't shared with another person; I'm gonna wait for the one that challenges me to try harder and someone who fully appreciates me.

keep forward

Sometimes it hurts more than it should. But just know you are in a much better place now, and you can't go back. There's nothing to go back to. And yes, the months may have passed, but you miss him all the same. but slowly the hurt gets easier to deal and soon, he won't cross your mind at all. Baby steps, you need to take baby steps. know your worth and know you are destined for bigger and better things. this entire week may have been a step or two back, but sometimes we fall short. But most of the time, you will make it thru and you'll be able to take 2453583459 steps forward without looking back. you will make it there, dee. Trust.

The Single Woman’s 30-Day Blogging Challenge

I happen to come across this challenge and I thought I'd give it a try. Now I am only a creative blogger but I thought having a topic to blog about will spark my creativity. So let's try this :)

The Single Woman’s 30-Day Blogging Challenge

1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”
I'm single because I just got out of a long term serious relationship. I am exploring the single life while being in the last year of college. Figuring out who I am, the person I want to be, the future I want to have, and the person I want to be with. Single because I am not ready for a relationship at this point. I don't want to get to know someone all over again, get past all the awkward phasing, all the first dates, first kiss, first i-love-you's. I enjoy this time I have to myself because I can do whatever the fuck I want, with no one to judge me. I can be selfish and live for myself, to yolo and enjoy the moment to the fullest, not worrying about texting someone constantly, worrying about their well-being, putting their needs on top of mine. I enjoy getting extremely dolled up to everything, because I want to feel hot, and desired. I don't have game, but I don't mind, for I am not trying to get at anyone. I am merely a good girl, trying to have fun. And the guy will come, when the time is right. :)

2)      Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked

When a mutual friend posts an picture on instagram about her anniversary with her boyfriend and how being long distance really sucks but seeing him makes all the difference. When they are so happy together and happily in love. When everyone else is shipping thing. When you check the number of likes she had and you see that your ex liked it too. And you wonder if he's thinking of you and how it could have been the two of you, instead of just two lonely confused souls. That is when being single absolutely sucks because you wish you were back in time with your ex lover enjoying the moment. And now you are paving your own paths by yourself. I wonder if I ever cross your mind as much as you do in mine.

3)      Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

4)      Your biggest fear as a single person.

5)      The biggest misconception you think people have about single life

6)      Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”

7)      Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

8)      Five things that are most important to you in a future mate

9)      Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)

10)   Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you

11)   Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date

12)   Your proudest accomplishment

13)   Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship

14)   Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful

15)   Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?

16)   If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?

17)   What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?

18)   If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?

19)   What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?

20)   Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it

21)   How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?

22)   What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?

23)   Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)

24)   If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?

25)   Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?

26)   Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why

27)   Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.

28)   Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc.

29)   Who is your closest or most special friend that you’ve never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.

30)   Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say.

slowly it becomes natural

I don't miss you as much, nor do I think about you as much. I've been too caught up with my own life, and trying to live it to the fullest. I surround myself with people who make me happy, people who encourage me to try harder, people who dare me to think outside the box. They see what I'm capable of, even when I can't see it myself. And it is because of them, that I am able to to thrive. They tell me, "you could do so much better. it was only a matter of time until you two are broken up. you deserve the best. don't settle. you need to be with someone who sees your worth and treats you properly." It never occurred to me that so many people were secretly rooting for our break up. Because they didn't like you, or they knew you weren't everything I wanted. They knew I was wasting my time and I think secretly, I knew it too. I just didn't want to admit it. It comes past the point that I still care about you and what you think, how in love I was back then, it all becomes part of my past. Slowly it becomes easier to not talk about you, or think about you, or wonder what you are up to. I still check up on you every so often, but it is no longer as frequent and obsessive as it was before. It still pains me why you blocked me on facebook, but it makes it easier to have no contact with you. Slowly it becomes easier.

"Slowly I'm learning about the person I am, who I want to be with, and the kind of life I want to live"

I think I will always remember this quote from you. It stings, yet it sets an example for me to follow. It seems like I'm the only one who is taking this break up badly. You seem to be fine, moving on, having fun, finding yourself. And me? Half the time I'm stuck in the past, half the time I'm stuck in the present. I want to find out more about myself, and yet part of me can't let go. I'm trying to forget you, yet I know that is not the answer. Then what is the answer? When will I figure it out and how long will that take me. I want to grow, I need to grow yet all I seek is vengeance and acceptance from others. Some days I'll be fine, yet some days I ask myself, what is the purpose in life? I'm searching for distractions, yet I'm not satisfied with my results. I'm still too hung up on you. The past is something I have always been able to cover up, yet I don't want to bury the hole that is three years of my life. You seem to ease casually into it, yet for me, I hit rocks and bumps wherever I go. With every bit of me, I wish I was over it. I feel this is something I'll be struggling all throughout senior year of college. Maybe one day I will be able to get over it. Just one day. I see my friends all progressed and get happier each day and more confident. I am too, on the outside, but on the inside, I make backward progress. I'm insecure all over again, there is no substance, no emotion. I'm still lost and sometimes it is a bit hard to pick me up. Therefore I resort to blogging for I feel it is the only option I have to express what I feel for sometimes I bother my friends too much. One day I will be fine. Just one day. Let me know when.

Senior year bucketlist

You only live once, so live it to the fullest. One last chance to make it right.

1. Bottomless mimosas
2. Apartment 309 Vegas trip
3. Go to a bar in DTLA or DTF
4. Chalk campus at midnight
5. Research
6. Go to a UCLA basketball game
7. Get a job :)
8. Clothespin compliment on bruin walk
9. Attend a dance workshop
10. Get a GPA of 3.5 or higher for one quarter.

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am