All the glitter and glamour

It's almost that time of year again. Right after christmas comes the pre new year excitement. Promises of hope, love, prosperity, luck, new beginnings...I think it's the second best thing to Christmas itself!! ^_^ I tried  to find a bunch of things that encompasses how I felt about NYE and New year's day, but I was unsuccessful. All the glamour and glitz and sequins and sparkles and hope cannot be put into pictures. I don't think I've ever had a wild NYE before. I've always had a strict 10 pm curfew, and I often spend it at home watching Dick Clark's NYE party on TV or watch the ball drop on Times Square. In other words, a nice quiet boring evening at home. But maybe this year, who knows. My curfew is pretty loose this winter break. I've broke it twice and my parents have yet to say anything about it. I think it's also due to the fact where I don't care as much. I'm sure my friends are down to do something that night. Maybe we can have some non-sober fun ;)

2013, I gotchuu, lezzdodis ;)

damn words get in the way

I spontaneously decided to deactivate my facebook for the time being. There were too many thoughts and feelings in my head, emotions I cannot control, words left unsaid. The last thing I saw on facebook was a friend's extremely cheesy love story and pictures, with too much cuteness and love in one post. And I thought to myself, I can't handle hearing about this happiness when my heart and mind is in too much pain. It was the final straw. I just need to be by myself, surrounded by friends and family, away from worldly distractions that threaten to take away my happiness. I want to end this year strong, and with that I need some time to think and to draw away. I don't think I've felt this unsure since...several years back. I know the feeling when the time comes, I try to read the symptoms and stay away as best I could to prevent the same mistakes from happening. Time is all I need. Time will heal, and the moments of uncertainty will pass. Life will go on. and I will be stronger than ever. With that, I leave with this song that pretty much sums up what I'm feeling at the moment.

I wake up and i'm sober--don't even know you anymore.
Punch drunk on a feeling lost in believing I was sure.
I don't care what you have to say.
Damn words get in the way, I don't wanna know.
I know there'll come a time when I look you in the eyes and say, "I told you so"
And I promise you this: you're gonna miss me, miss me.
As long as you live, you're gonna miss me. Miss me.

Nobody's picture perfect, but we're worth it.

I have a lot of feelings to blog about tonight.

I came across old pictures as I put together a photo book for my mom's Christmas present because I know she'll love this sort of thing. I'm going through pictures in 2007, 2008, 2009...this year, and each picture, each date takes me back to that time frame. They say pictures are worth a thousand words. These pictures are worth a thousand memories, maybe more. Some fill me with joy, some fill me with longing for youth, some leave me downright sad. Why? Sad because the people in the pictures look so happy then, happier than how they are right now. And some, like my grandpa, look so young and happy three years ago. Currently, as I see him each day, I see him withering away, growing tired with each passing day. I know the day will come soon, I just keep hoping it won't be today, or tomorrow, or a year from now. My mom once told me, when the time comes, you must be strong. You mustn't cry because tears hold them back on this earth and you want his soul to liberate and fly towards miềng Cực Lạc. In a way, I'm glad things happen the way they did earlier this year, so I can mentally prepare myself for when it happens, God forbid. I just can't help thinking about it at times, especially more often now that I'm back home.

And my dad--he look so happy in 2007. His face in pictures light up the entire room. When he smiles, his eyes crinkle with joy. I know it is not the case now. I sometimes catch him at some random moments when he's by himself looking at the world, and that is when I get scared and teary. Why must you look so helpless at the world? We are here to offer you joy, comfort, happiness if you let us. It wasn't always the case though. My brother told me this year how upset and frustrated he got when grandpa was ill. But since my grandpa's a lot better now, I think he's better too. I mean, this summer when he found out he has a grandkid, his face burst with joy and he'd spend hours looking at facebook pictures of his grandson. I just wish one day they would be able to meet and he would be the proudest grandfather in the world :) Once I saw the pictures, I rush to compare them with the newer ones and I see he looks just as fine. So I guess my worries are very trivial.

I started off writing the post because I was letting my emotions get the best of me. I began in tears, but I finish with a smile. Because things are better now, than what they were. I just have to keep wishing for the best and be nice to my parents because sometimes I can come off as an ungrateful bitch. True story. I love you mom & dad. I just wish I can show that to you more often, instead of complaining and not caring like I always do. But we're all trying our best. And we have hope.

Everybody's got a dark side. Do you love me? Can you love me?

Nobody's picture perfect, but we're worth it. You know we're worth it.

Will you love me? Even with my dark side.

Heart to heart

There are times when I'm extremely confused about us. Are we meant to last? Why do I question if you want to be with me or not. The things you say offend me. I hate to be a burden, I hate to make you miss out on life. "I want to hang out with my friends." Um what? Sorry, you always have to make me your priority. Do  I not let you hang out with friends? Then why did I get the message that I'm the reason why you don't go to a  lot of things. As if I can dictate your life. I'm feeling extremely upset, more upset this morning than I did last night. I don't know anymore.