When you miss him

or miss the times you had, the memories shared, think about how he wasn't giving you what you wanted. All you wanted was his time. You were ready to offer him your world, but he wasn't willing to compromise his. Remember that, and remember why you are so much better and happier off without him. Give yourself a little more credit, D. It takes two to keep a relationship alive and you couldn't have gone on any longer pretending you were okay with everything.  If he was willing to make time for his new friends and position, he should have found the time to treat you like a queen, the girl who's always been there for him even though everyone else knew she deserved better. And he fail to realize that, so forget the loser and find someone better. You can do better. Never settle, and never forget the lessons this has taught you.

Merry Christmas.

Advice from a friend

"Whoever he likes shouldn't be on your mind anymore you've moved on, and even though you may always have some feelings for him, there is no reason why you should dislike her. You dislike the fact that he likes her, but she hasn't done anything. I know it's hard, but if you are really ok with you and him being apart, you KNOW he isn't the right one for you, so any girl he is with is of no relevance to you. And if you look on the flip side, she might feel a bit uncomfortable around you too so I don't think you should spend energy hating her."

"They said it's important to surround yourself with people who make you happy. people who make you laugh, who help you when you're in need. So cheers to the friend who picked me up when my heart was shattered, who watched me struggled and cried, and never gave up on me. I owe so much of my happiness and success to the love you have blessed me with. May you have the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realize how incredible and special you truly are." -KPD

I saw this caption on instagram and knew I had to record it to remember it forever. Beautifully written.

Dear No One

I like being independent
Not so much of an investment
No one to tell me what to do
I like being by myself
Don’t gotta entertain anybody else
No one to answer to

But sometimes, I just want somebody to hold
Someone to give me their jacket when its cold
Got that young love even when we’re old
Yeah sometimes, I want someone to grab my hand
Pick me up, pull me close, be my man
I will love you till the end

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you
But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone
Cause when the time is right
You’ll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song

I’d love to have a soul mate. God will give him to me someday & I know it’ll be worth the wait.

Makes me happy

It's really interesting how my parents back then were the kinds of people who didn't have any plans on a Saturday night. All they did was work, eat tai chi and sleep. And take us to school and shop with us. I use to think the sole purpose of their life was just for my brother and I. Day by day, it was always the same routine.

Now that Daniel and I have grown up, my parents are even busier than I am! They have so many socials and events, it's kinda crazy! It's weird to call my mom and have her tell me that she just got back from san diego or she and dad just got back from a house party...LOL what? I know I'm not around as much, and that I'm shaping my own life...but  it's weird to see her and dad move on too! It's like we're constantly changing as a family. I'm slowly growing as a person and she as well, but in different aspects. My parents are learning to enjoy life (they never went out much even before they made a family) with their friends, temple and my brother and I are doing big things too. It's amazing to think about all of that in retrospect. It makes me really happy that they are having fun, doing new things, challenging themselves, living every day to the fullest. I'm just happy and grateful they still love me so much even though I'm like the worst daughter in the world. I'm just in a very grateful and happy mood lately and it's quite nice. Blessed with the best.

Progress

My progress this past week has been surprisingly...good! It's been since four days since I've stumbled across your tumblr. I just didn't have any urges too, I guess. I mean, wednesday night I was about to type in the url, and then I stopped myself. Because I felt weird in my stomach and I realize I didn't need to know last night what you've been up to. And just right now, this morning, I literally had the url in the url bar. All I had to do was click enter and it would redirect me there. But for some reason, I exited the window. Maybe it's finally working. I really don't need to know what you are up to and your whereabouts. Maybe being hurt sunday night was the final straw? it sure didn't feel like it, but since then I realize I just didn't care. It hurts too much to know and I'm better not knowing. :)

First family dorm dinner on tuesday was a HUGE success!! I literally wanted to cry when I saw everyone's happy faces...ZOMG. And I ran into someone that I once knew and we started talking on facebook! LOL, it's nothing really. but the fact that someone actually wanted to talk, and that I could carry on a conversation gives me hope that I can meet new people who are interested in talking to me. Also, I got a job offer yesterday afternoon! No longer unemployed, bitch! :D I guess I made a lasting impression on my interviewer. They were interviewing a bunch of people and only hiring one, and they asked legitimate interview questions too, that I wasn't quite prepared for. But like Limbroco said, just be yourself. I wouldn't tell this to a lot of people, but for you, be yourself. He probably has no idea how his words impacted my attitude towards interviews.. LOL but I was actually myself this time. Captivating, thrilled, genuine, it was like having a real conversation with my interviewer and I was totally laxed. Maybe I can do this. Plus, it totally pays more than my old job that I worked my ass off for! Also, we presented our project ideas in lab yesterday as well and I think I did a pretty damn good job. I looked at audience, was my genuine self, it's getting there. My kaplan pcat book finally arrived too! Just got to get into my last ochem lab next quarter and life might as well be on its way up. Plus its Halloween today. Finally piecing my life back together and I know i'm meant for bigger and better things. What happens from here on out is mine and mine alone. It isn't shared with another person; I'm gonna wait for the one that challenges me to try harder and someone who fully appreciates me.

keep forward

Sometimes it hurts more than it should. But just know you are in a much better place now, and you can't go back. There's nothing to go back to. And yes, the months may have passed, but you miss him all the same. but slowly the hurt gets easier to deal and soon, he won't cross your mind at all. Baby steps, you need to take baby steps. know your worth and know you are destined for bigger and better things. this entire week may have been a step or two back, but sometimes we fall short. But most of the time, you will make it thru and you'll be able to take 2453583459 steps forward without looking back. you will make it there, dee. Trust.

The Single Woman’s 30-Day Blogging Challenge

I happen to come across this challenge and I thought I'd give it a try. Now I am only a creative blogger but I thought having a topic to blog about will spark my creativity. So let's try this :)

The Single Woman’s 30-Day Blogging Challenge

1)      Your response to everyone’s favorite question: “And why are YOU still single?”
I'm single because I just got out of a long term serious relationship. I am exploring the single life while being in the last year of college. Figuring out who I am, the person I want to be, the future I want to have, and the person I want to be with. Single because I am not ready for a relationship at this point. I don't want to get to know someone all over again, get past all the awkward phasing, all the first dates, first kiss, first i-love-you's. I enjoy this time I have to myself because I can do whatever the fuck I want, with no one to judge me. I can be selfish and live for myself, to yolo and enjoy the moment to the fullest, not worrying about texting someone constantly, worrying about their well-being, putting their needs on top of mine. I enjoy getting extremely dolled up to everything, because I want to feel hot, and desired. I don't have game, but I don't mind, for I am not trying to get at anyone. I am merely a good girl, trying to have fun. And the guy will come, when the time is right. :)

2)      Describe a moment or a day when being single really sucked

When a mutual friend posts an picture on instagram about her anniversary with her boyfriend and how being long distance really sucks but seeing him makes all the difference. When they are so happy together and happily in love. When everyone else is shipping thing. When you check the number of likes she had and you see that your ex liked it too. And you wonder if he's thinking of you and how it could have been the two of you, instead of just two lonely confused souls. That is when being single absolutely sucks because you wish you were back in time with your ex lover enjoying the moment. And now you are paving your own paths by yourself. I wonder if I ever cross your mind as much as you do in mine.

3)      Describe a moment or a day when being single was really awesome.

4)      Your biggest fear as a single person.

5)      The biggest misconception you think people have about single life

6)      Sound off on the quote “Every woman has the exact love life she wants”

7)      Where you are in your life vs. where you thought you would be at this point

8)      Five things that are most important to you in a future mate

9)      Your favorite “weird/funny single behavior” – Anything you do that is uniquely YOU and that living alone allows you to do (For example, I sometimes dance around the house with my cat to Frank Sinatra)

10)   Google the meaning of your name and talk about how it fits or doesn’t fit you

11)   Your worst/funniest/most embarrassing date

12)   Your proudest accomplishment

13)   Describe how you met the last person you texted and talk about your friendship/relationship

14)   Describe the last moment you felt really, truly blissful

15)   Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?

16)   If you planted a time capsule right now of your life to be opened in 20 years, what would be in it?

17)   What are your spiritual beliefs and how do they impact your relationships/relationship status?

18)   If you could have a conversation with yourself in high school, what would you say?

19)   What is something about you that people would be surprised to learn?

20)   Describe your most difficult breakup and what you learned from it

21)   How would you pitch a reality show about yourself? To what network?

22)   What fictional character in a movie, tv show, or book do you identify with and why?

23)   Talk about a moment when you got annoyed with a married friend, a person in a relationship, or a person with kids (Be honest! No judgment!)

24)   If you could relive ONE day of your life, what would it be? And would you change anything?

25)   Describe a moment when you “paid it forward.” What happened and how did it feel?

26)   Name a song that makes you cry every time you hear it and why

27)   Talk about something that you really, really, really love about yourself.

28)   Describe a moment when you made a big, bold move. In any area of life: Career, Love, etc.

29)   Who is your closest or most special friend that you’ve never met and what do they mean to you? How did you cross paths? Talk about how you “met” them: Facebook, Twitter, an online support group, etc.

30)   Write a letter to your future mate saying whatever you want to say.

slowly it becomes natural

I don't miss you as much, nor do I think about you as much. I've been too caught up with my own life, and trying to live it to the fullest. I surround myself with people who make me happy, people who encourage me to try harder, people who dare me to think outside the box. They see what I'm capable of, even when I can't see it myself. And it is because of them, that I am able to to thrive. They tell me, "you could do so much better. it was only a matter of time until you two are broken up. you deserve the best. don't settle. you need to be with someone who sees your worth and treats you properly." It never occurred to me that so many people were secretly rooting for our break up. Because they didn't like you, or they knew you weren't everything I wanted. They knew I was wasting my time and I think secretly, I knew it too. I just didn't want to admit it. It comes past the point that I still care about you and what you think, how in love I was back then, it all becomes part of my past. Slowly it becomes easier to not talk about you, or think about you, or wonder what you are up to. I still check up on you every so often, but it is no longer as frequent and obsessive as it was before. It still pains me why you blocked me on facebook, but it makes it easier to have no contact with you. Slowly it becomes easier.

"Slowly I'm learning about the person I am, who I want to be with, and the kind of life I want to live"

I think I will always remember this quote from you. It stings, yet it sets an example for me to follow. It seems like I'm the only one who is taking this break up badly. You seem to be fine, moving on, having fun, finding yourself. And me? Half the time I'm stuck in the past, half the time I'm stuck in the present. I want to find out more about myself, and yet part of me can't let go. I'm trying to forget you, yet I know that is not the answer. Then what is the answer? When will I figure it out and how long will that take me. I want to grow, I need to grow yet all I seek is vengeance and acceptance from others. Some days I'll be fine, yet some days I ask myself, what is the purpose in life? I'm searching for distractions, yet I'm not satisfied with my results. I'm still too hung up on you. The past is something I have always been able to cover up, yet I don't want to bury the hole that is three years of my life. You seem to ease casually into it, yet for me, I hit rocks and bumps wherever I go. With every bit of me, I wish I was over it. I feel this is something I'll be struggling all throughout senior year of college. Maybe one day I will be able to get over it. Just one day. I see my friends all progressed and get happier each day and more confident. I am too, on the outside, but on the inside, I make backward progress. I'm insecure all over again, there is no substance, no emotion. I'm still lost and sometimes it is a bit hard to pick me up. Therefore I resort to blogging for I feel it is the only option I have to express what I feel for sometimes I bother my friends too much. One day I will be fine. Just one day. Let me know when.

Senior year bucketlist

You only live once, so live it to the fullest. One last chance to make it right.

1. Bottomless mimosas
2. Apartment 309 Vegas trip
3. Go to a bar in DTLA or DTF
4. Chalk campus at midnight
5. Research
6. Go to a UCLA basketball game
7. Get a job :)
8. Clothespin compliment on bruin walk
9. Attend a dance workshop
10. Get a GPA of 3.5 or higher for one quarter.

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
That I'm never changing who I am

well you know what.

FUCK YOU. I can't believe I let myself to believe the good in people. There is no good in the situation. I can't trust people. I can't trust your feelings. And most of all, I'm mad at myself for believing this way. Mad that for so long I thought you were still hurting. OBVIOUSLY NOT. You moved on so quick. And you try to ignore the rumors? They were fucking true. Because you two made it so obvious. AND I SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT IT SOONER. You didn't want to be with me anymore. Because another girl came along and showed you the way. And now you go on dates and make it on the dL, but everyone knows the truth. I know the truth. She ain't nothing more than a homewrecker and you ain't nothing than on the rebound. Going on dates and shit. Oh yeah, I see it. You went on a fucking date with her, not even a week after we broke up. Girl, marking her territory reallll fast. But it's cool. Cus I don't need someone like you in my life. I need someone who ain't afraid to show me what I'm worth. Someone who will treasure me beyond words. This ain't the end. This just the beginning.

How

do I stop myself from caring. It still cuts deeply. No matter how busy I get with my life, I still care about you. And it hurts me every time. I have to stop. You don't feel the same about me anymore. I have to stop. But how. The pain sucks. I need to be away from my computer, for that makes me check your doings constantly. Another couple just got into a relationship today. I wonder, how long will that keep up until it will be you. and her. and I will be here, crying my heart out. Just stab my heart already, the pain still hurts. But I have to admit, it feels good to cry today. I haven't cried about you since...the day we broke up and it feels good to let it out. Even for a quick five seconds. You shouldn't have that control over me. Only I can control myself. It doesn't make me any happier when I check up on you, but I can't stop. I need to stop. I need help.

Stop.

You have to stop Denise. What you are doing is only hurting yourself. Save your heart from the pain. I know you still care deeply but you have to stop. For that is the only way you will move on. You can do it. I believe in you.

empty spaces

it's as if you don't give a fuck anymore. it's been about a month and a half and i still find myself thinking about you. you're always in my thoughts even when i'm about having fun. i wonder if you still care. i know you probably don't and i know i should move on. it's hard. yes, i'm having fun and my days are booked and sometimes i wish i can tell you whats going on. but i know i can't. it would hurt too much to pick at this wound and you probably would only listen out of politeness.

There's a sad beauty in love

Tonight I am feeling okay. I don't miss you to the point that it hurts. I am just sad, sad that something once so special that I had hoped to work out in the end, didn't. I think if I were to see you right now, and had my way, I would just hug you and cry my heart out. Not because I miss you or want you back in my life, but that it didn't work out. Which really makes myself skeptical on love. Love is such a weird concept. You get emotionally and physically attached to someone and imagine your entire future with them. Yet it is so fleeting and can change in an instant when economic hardships arrive, other pretty people, tragedy... We go thru our entire lives trying to find a suitable companion, a soulmate that we think we can endure for the rest of our lives. So we fall in love, get married, raise a family...and then what? Arguments? Divorce? Infidelity? They say 50% of all US marriages end in divorce. Why? Because the love we think we feel isn't really love. Love is when you put the other persons needs on top of your own, because you genuinely care for them. Love is when you treat the other person like how you treat yourself, without ever asking for anything in return. And have your significant other reciprocate the exact same things to you. That they will love you no matter how time passes, how your beauty fades, thru the debts, illnesses, deaths...and that to me, is unconditional love. The illusion that everyone seeks but few find. You have to be utterly selfless, I would think, and all the nhan duyen (the law of casualty) would have to align. And this is why I call it, the sad beauty of love

Raw pain

I'm not gonna deny. It hurts. I feel empty, speechless, but I don't feel like crying. There's a whole in my chest, and for once I'm okay with it. I've past the point where I still really care. I finally unfriended you, so I can be free. It was the last step, but it needed to happen. I no longer believe that we will have a future together. I believe I'm better than this. I shouldn't be wasting my time. They all knew this, knew what I didn't want to admit to myself. But now that it's over, I hope to sore to greater heights. I am beyond hurt right now for the moment, but I'll be okay. Despite the emptiness, I am appreciating the quiet beauties of life. The sun, the breeze, my family and friends. I am learning to love myself again, slowly but surely. I am slowly refinding myself again. I don't know how long this process will take, but I will teach it eventually.

"Thomas Edison's last words were, 'Its very beautiful over there.' I don't know know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere and I hope it's beautiful"

-John green, Looking for Alaska

Miss Movin' On

I'm not the way that I used to be

I took the record off repeat
It killed me but I survived
And now I'm coming alive
I'll never be that girl again

I broke the glass surrounding me
I ain't the way you remember me
I was such a good girl
So fragile but no more

I jumped the fence to the other side
My whole world was electrified
Now I'm no longer afraid
It's Independence Day

My innocence is wearin' thin
But my heart is growing strong
So call me, call me, call me
Miss movin' on

Everything is changing and I never wanna go back to the way it was
I'm finding who I am and who I am from here and now is gonna be enough

I'll never be that girl again

Dear Denise

I know you may think that no one cares anymore. I know you may question if people like you for who you are, not what you have. I know you are sad because you have basically turned away every possible person to really truly care for you: your family. I know you feel hopeless, depressed even. I know you feel alone, that the people who said they care, don't really care because they have their own lives to take care of. I know each day is long, that the joys in life have temporarily disappeared, that the love of your life simply chose to walk out on you. Don't despair. You have to get the notion out of your head that one day you will get back together, for that will only bring you sadness as you try to envision how your paths will cross again. You are now a free woman, no chains holding you back, free to express yourself in whichever way you want. Yes, you may be a little broke right now, but it's okay. In two more weeks, you'll be back on your game, making bank. And then everything will work out perfectly. Focus on your grades, you have only one year left to make it count, YOU MUST MAKE IT COUNT. These sad times are only temporarily, they will pass. You will find the strength to carry on, to make new friendships, meet many people, fall in love...in time. Believe in that. Believe in yourself, when you are skeptical about the future. Trust, love, appreciate the world and all of its beauties. Focus inward. Give back. Stop thinking about the what-ifs, and the past, they will bring no happiness to you right now. Laugh, talk, explore. You need to learn to love yourself again, and I believe you can do it. It only takes time. Those insecurities..only come from YOU, not the outside. Remember, you have EVERYTHING to gain, you are not missing out on anything. Life works in strange ways, don't you think? You've gotten over heartbreaks before. Remember C? You thought he was the love of your life, and see how long that lasted. You have risen to such great heights since you left him, and you never stopped to turn back. Yes it was painful, and took you an entire year, but you were young then. You are still young now. :) The next couple months might still be painful, but trust that one day, you will be able to look back and say it doesn't affect you anymore. You WILL BE ABLE to look back, without a sad smile on your face, you will get over it, I KNOW YOU WILL. You must. For when one door closes, another one opens and honey, you need to take that door with everything you got. Remember, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. By the end of it, you won't be lying late at night thinking about what had happen. Girl, be strong. You must. Love yourself, and the ones that mattered. Your family, Buddha, GDPT, your best friends who stuck by you in times of despair. No second thoughts, they love you. You just need to learn to love yourself again. :)

Still at the bottom

The days are hot, and the nights are long.
The mood is depressing, and the appetite's gone.
Motivation is lacking, the strength ain't there.
The question is same as always, do you still care?

You know your mistakes, I'm well aware of mine.
Both of us knew, that this was the time.
We had to let go, bid not our last goodbyes
But only a "see you later" with tears in my eyes

With our last words still fresh on my mind
Lost in my own grief, yet I know it will only take time
Give me strength to move on, I pray I won't forget
the love that we had, none of it will ever be a regret.

I still think of you, once or twice every night.
what are you up to, and are you alright?
I know better than to contact you, because what good would it do
than to stir up old feelings, I'm still attracted to you.

They tell me I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Yet I'm still waiting for that day, when it no longer brings me pain.
Stay strong, they say. Shine bright, they say.
I hope I can finally get some sleep tonight, and I'll keep waiting for the next day.

There is nothing wrong with wanting attention. It doesn't make you selfish. It doesn't make you desperate or pathetic or weak. It makes you human. We all want to be noticed. We all need to feel seen and heard and valued. And we all deserve to have those needs met. You are no exception. You deserve to take up space. You deserve to be acknowledged and loved and cared for. You deserve to shine. Don't let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.

--Daniell Koepke

Stronger than yesterday

I declare this rock bottom. No longer will I mope around waiting for your attention. No longer will I constantly check facebook and tumblr for your whereabouts. No longer will I stalk other people's twitters just to see them reply to you. No more. I am no determined to live my own life. I will not look at your stuff for that will only bring back memories. I will not wonder what went wrong, who's fault it was, whether you still care. No more. No more sad tweets over twitter how I can't go on, or how my heart hurts. I will not deny anything. YES, I am hurting, YES I am constantly thinking about you, but NO LONGER WILL IT DICTATE MY LIFE. I am done with moping. Before I start the constant battle of going over what happen, I will agree, the feelings were MUTUAL. Meaning both parties had been thinking about the same thing. Which means, NO MORE REGRETS. Yes, I understand that I am sad, but I MUST ACCEPT THE CHANGE. I will rise from the ashes, doing things I love, talking to people I enjoy, and surrounding myself with things that MAKE ME HAPPY. Because you like me happy, my friends and family like me happy, and I want myself to be happy. So I gotta be happy and smile. :)

Honestly, I think this extreme case of mood swings has to do with my period. I am a day late and still waiting...so I've been extremely cranky, moody, sleepy, bitchy, and craving sweets like no other. But I shall manage. The show must go on. I know you have your own life to run, and I have mine. The more I think about us and what could have beens, the more clingy and upset I get. So the quickest step to being friends is to ACCEPT and MOVE ON. It's time I get myself together. Starting right now----

From KPD

So my advice to you is this. Cry. Cry it all out. It's okay. Cry when you don't want to. But time will heal all wounds. Believe me. Surround yourself with good people. Don't be afraid to open up to other people and reach out to your good friends. Keep yourself busy, and more than anything...love yourself. Learn to love yourself. Don't jump into any flings/things you're not ready for, but be open to take risks. Love is such a beautiful thing, and when the time is right....given the right person, you will do it all over again--

Sunday blues

I'm falling. I still check every possible social media to get a glimpse of your life. I don't know why I still do. I know it does me no good, it tears me up inside but I can't help it. I'm still hung up on you. Last night I cried myself to sleep again. Why, why. I was doing so fine the first week... And now I think it's hitting me hard. Every day it gets tougher to deal, knowing your no longer in my life. Sometimes I dream that you will walk back into mine, that somehow our paths will cross but I know it's only a girls hopeless fantasy. You walked away without the intention of turning back and I should too. It's hard, it's hard to deal, yeah I know. When every stupid thing at home reminds me of you. And of us, of what we had. Every place we've been to, now your making new adventures and memories with others. And I with my friends. Just like how before we got together. Now we are strangers again.

and with that, I'm done.

I did the impossible, but I'm extremely upset when all I wanted to be was happy. Maybe I will regret my decisions, maybe not. I can't handle another outlet that allows me to be hurt. and with that,


Deleted.

Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

Another night time of missing you

Some days I'll be fine, and some days you'll randomly pop into my head. And then I can't get you out no matter how hard I try. I wallow in thoughts of us at our peak, full of love for each other. I think about all the times we go out, as a couple. To your friends parties back home, to my parties in LA, and movies, and eating, to sleepovers at your place, staying out late at night past midnight, to chilling with nothing better to do than laugh at ourselves...where did those times go. I really miss it and I miss talking to you. But I know nothing good will come out of it. I know I have to be strong, especially because people will talk. and I know they've already begun talking. I'm weakest when it comes to rumors, I don't have a strong shell no matter how hard I try. But I know I have to keep my mouth shut and keep things simple. People just want to gossip  but we're not going to give them a reason to talk. Cause at the end of the day, we know what went down and we know ourselves best.

When I get sad at the fact we aren't together anymore, I think about what my mom tells me. "Nguoi nao phai co du nhan duyen thi moi den, khi het nhan duyen hay khong du nhan duyen, nguoi ay se di." Basically there are multiple causes in our lives and our past lives that lead us to where we are today. If you are predestined to be with someone, then there will be multiple causes drawing you two together, and if not, we shouldn't fight it. Maybe we weren't meant to be, maybe we were. The law of causality tells us to not hold a grudge onto things that didn't work out because everything is always changing. We should just go with the flow, keep an open mind and accept the present. I've accepted the fact already, but I do admit, a part of me is still holding on, which I think is normal. I'll get thru this.

Saying goodbye is hard

when you still have a gateway to the other person's thoughts and feelings. How can I let go, when you are still a big part of me? It seems like ten thousand years ago when we said goodbye, maybe it has been this way in my heart. No longer heartbroken, that has pass. What's only left is thoughts and memories of the good times and bad. I think of the good times, and I get a bit sad inside, I know I still am holding on. I think of the bad times, and I get angry, because I know I deserved more time and effort than what you gave me. You may think we ended on good terms and no hard feelings, but I think no. Yes, we were mature about it, but I'm not going to take the crap you threw at me. I'm through with this, I'm done with obsessing over what you are up to now. Cause honey, caring about your well-being is no longer a job of mine. It was probably a hard decision to make, but it has been made. There is no other way to see it. Your life is falling apart? Well, you are own your own to deal with it. Frankly, I'm done with caring.

And that, in a sense, is how I am liberated from my emotions. Us was a thing of the past, and now I only have myself to work on and it's going to be better and brighter from here on out. Sorry boy, you lucked out.

Early morning thoughts

You really admire how well I'm taking this entire situation? Well sometimes being strong is the only option I've got. I can't turn back time nor do I not wish that it didn't happen, but I don't have much choice. Sometimes our only option is to keep moving forward, to see our losses as losses but as gains. And as much as it makes me sad to see how our lives are splitting in different directions, I feel it is inevitable. Yes those past three years of life were amazing but those rules no longer applied. You were the one to decide you didn't need me anymore, and that's totally okay. I'm tired of wasting my time on things that don't reciprocate. Your loss, my gain. It really surprises me how well I am taking this. Would we ever get back and grow old together? Maybe, I'm not gonna say no, but not right now. Maybe not even in 2 or 3 years. I want to refigure myself out first, and really explore all of life's secrets. Then maybe, if we both mature and change and decide we want to commit again, that's fine. But if not, the entire world is up ahead of us. It's about time we close the door on this chapter of our lives and begin a new one.

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes

Just fighting to get through the night
I'm losing it
With every move I die

I'm fading, I'm broken inside
I've wasted the love of my life
I'm losing it
With every move I die

This is it and now you're really gone this time
Never once thought I'd be in pieces left be

Pick me up

Dear Denise,

Did I ever tell you how gorgeous you are? Your smile radiates and shines from light years away. Your presence lights up the entire room. Don't ever feel like you aren't good enough because dear, you are the most precious thing in the world. You have an enormous imagination, always dreaming of fantasies and adventures. You dream of big things and I know you will accomplish great things with all of your willpower. You have the biggest heart I have ever seen, and you do things for others without asking for something in return. You have a peaceful mind that knows no argument--always wishing to resolve conflict instead of starting them. Dear, this mode of hurt and angriness is only temporary. Your body doesn't know how to handle te hormone imbalance so it makes you feel this way, but it's okay. Stay bright and happy; don't let the clusterfuck of emotions cloud your judgement. Stay calm and it, too, shall pass. The day is still young and beautiful, just like you.

Love,

Yourself.

Pocket full of sunshine

Ain't nothing like summer. Beautiful, magnificent, splendid, carefree, warm. My brother is in town with his kid and wife and Daniel and I have been chauffeuring them around town. The kid is quite lovely and cute. Life is pretty good, I can't complain. I am a happy bee and nothing is bringing me down. My relationships with people are improving, especially with my boyfriend. I've learned to not be jealous because I have his heart upon my sleeve. Just gotta be confident. 

 

Let me curl up like a roly poly.

Rejected. This is how I feel. Isn't it suppose to be the other way around? Yet, you make me be very direct because you won't say/do anything and when I'm rejected, it's embarrassing. Good luck with trying, I'm done persuading you on this. Lets hope I can just keep the promise to myself.

Twitter-free

Today is my second day without twitter, and I am surviving. Although I reactivate it within hours of deactivating it, I have not tweeted. Deleted all apps on my phone, on google chrome browser, contact list... Doing everything it takes, until I am fully recovered.

We talked last night and it felt good to clear some things up. Although the scars are still there, at least there's an understanding between ourselves. We are still wounded, the road to recovery is slow, but we'll get there eventually. I'm excited for this weekend. Just nothing planned but us time. To figure out what we want to do, where we want to go, making up for lost time, healing those scars. I hope it will be good.

No longer an outlet

I just delete my twitter and I already feel my bottled up emotions that need to be expressed. It was no longer healthy for me to tweet such negative things and to hurt others. Maybe now I'll start to write in my diary again, a medium once used to express my thoughts. And I guess since I have my blog app on my phone I can express my at the moment feelings. Maybe I'll eventually reactivate my twitter again but for right now, I want to be free from those thoughts. I don't want to know what the world is thinking. Maybe it'll help me talk to actual people on how I feel about certain things. I hope it's for the best.


Just cruise along the pch for an hour to clear my thoughts. It feels good to watch other people be happy and enjoying life. It makes me happier. There's something about the ocean and beach breeze that makes me able to recollect my thoughts. Sometimes you have to lose a bit of yourself to figure out who you are. I hope I get there soon. Here's to happier day and healthier habits.

I don't think

We should be together anymore. It's not the same. We've changed and are too completely different people...I can't handle this pain. I simply don't care enough

And slowly you realize

...there is more fighting than laughter. More questioning of why you never have time for me. More of why do I feel like you don't want to spend time with me. Less of the little things. Less love. Less emotion. How much longer can it take until you break and realize you can't take it anymore. Tell me. It hurts so much to write this and to think of it on a daily basis. Why me? Why us? Why can't I just be happy and accept the change? I just cause pain to you. When will be the final straw?!

Turnaround

I can honestly say life has been on the rise this week. I hit rock bottom with my emotions last week and now that summer weather is upon us, my mood has soared. No more crying to sleep, no more angry tweets, I'm on that high and I don't plan to come down for a while.

This week is going to be extremely busy; I actually pulled out my agenda and started filling out my days simply because it was too hard to keep track. Early nights and early mornings, macarons, movies and chill breeze. I definitely caught that summer-itis, only 4 more weeks to go.

I finally saw my boothang this weekend and it was a nice reunion. We just ate. And sat next to each other. And took silly Instagram pictures. Before the craziness of our lives catches up on us. Good luck with finals this week, babe.

Summer days mean summer outfits. Finally breaking out the rainbows and shades and high waisted shorts, crop tops and bandeaus. Spending time getting ready for school and going out,, ditching classes to sleep/study. Life is good.

I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine
I got a love and I know it's all my own.

It's a Demi Lovato kind of night.

I'm a warrior

Now I've got thicker skin

I'm a warrior

I'm stronger than ive ever been

And my armor, is made of steel, you cant get in

I'm a warrior

And you can never hurt me again

Out of the ashes,I'm burning like a fire

You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar

I've got shame, I've got scars

That I'lll never show

I'm a survivor

In more ways than you know

Cause all the pain and the truth

I wear like a battle wound

So ashamed so confused, I'm not broken, or bruised

Now I'm a warrior

Now I've got thicker skin

I'm a warrior

I'm stronger than I've ever been

And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in

Im a warrior

And you can never hurt me again

How do you make up for lost time?

How can you make up the most important times of your life?
How can you take back all the time you weren't able to spend with someone?
How can you remake those memories?
How do you erase those feelings of loneliness and neglect?
How do you show her she's still the most important person in the world when you can't give her a second of your time?

I'm in a clingy sad mood right now. I don't need a man to make me right, yet these thoughts keep coming up to mind.

Pet Peeve?

So...it's been one week since my birthday. And I don't mean to be self-centered or spoiled or anything, but where's my birthday present?! :( 

That is all I shall post. I started typing a bunch of other things, but I decided to delete it.

Wahhhh, I hope you're not neglecting me.

Now how about that Michael Kors, ehh? :)

Being a girlfriend

Being a girlfriend is not just about being beautiful and attractive for your guy. It's not just about letting him chase you, letting him do sweet things every time you're mad at him and not just receiving flowers and gifts during your anniversaries. It's not about doing those girly things just to get his attention and not just about feeling mighty every time he did everything you want. It's also being an emotional partner wherein you support him in every opportunity that he takes, you appreciate everything that he does for you and you thank him for doing it, you remind him on the things he must do and what he must not. Just because you know that you can always keep him on his feet doesn't mean you can manipulate him. You understand him not just as a partner but as a individual too. You help him in every way showing him, that in a relationship, there's no "I" or "you", there's only "we" and "us". You know also that a man has their ego, and even when it becomes a little irritating sometimes, you still understand that it's a part of his nature. A girlfriend is just not a term, it also has responsibilities that every girl must know. You're a friend, a sister, a second mom, a teacher and a best friend.

I'm sorry I haven't been at my best for you lately. I've been accustomed all my life to getting exactly what I wanted that sometimes I forget you are human too. That you have your own goals, plans, worries, ideas... I know I don't say this often enough that I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I didn't think it through. I know you have to deal with all of my bullshit too. I know you get tired of it, I get tired of myself sometimes. But I can't help picking out your every fault. I try not to, but it seems I tend to do that with everyone. Some days it'll be good and then other days, I like to hurt. I'm sorry dear. It'll get better, I hope so. We can get through this together.

I'll never chase away the rain

I fucked up, didn't I? Can I take back all those texts, all the words, feelings and thoughts that went on earlier today? I seriously feel like shit. At first, I was the one pissed because you weren't responding, and then you got even more upset. And even now, you're still upset, and I'm not quite sorry. My roommate once told me, "Are you guys okay? I feel so bad, you guys always seem to be fighting. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you just appreciate each other" and I said I didn't know. I think I am extremely hard to please. I try to hold back some of my words and thoughts but sometimes they get the best of me. And sometimes, they get the best of you. And then it gets messy. And then I think you deserve way better than me. Why do we go through this endless cycle. My thoughts are all jumbled up right now. I'm sure they can make you feel better. Better than me, i'm the one who always has to kill your buzz. Why? Why do I bring you down, why can't I be happy when you're happy. Why can't I be appreciative of what I have instead of constantly pushing you away. I think it's my human nature to push everyone who's good to me away simply because I want to hurt them. I don't know why. I want to stop, but it always comes up. Maybe it's not meant to be. I want to be in the happy relationship but quite frankly, I don't know if i'm happy right now. I don't know if i'll ever make you happy.

20 years young

It's almost here!!! The day I've been waiting for ALL MY LIFE. No, not really, LOL. I feel so bad for my friends, I've been talking nonstop about my 21st since foreverrrrrrr. So much for being humble. One more day until I can be legal!! :) but then again, one more day until my midterms ._. and then two more days until my harder midterm. Poop. I can't believe this entire month flew by so fast. Where has all the time gone? In the meanwhile, here's what I've been up to lately :)

I knew this day would come, I knew it all along. Why did it come so fast :')

 Guess who got a new phone?! And not just any phone, a smart iPhone! What a beauty. She's in a HK case, straight from the factory. I bought it off my cousin's friend for $350. Used, unlocked, but in pretty decent condition :) Life has gotten so much...smarter.

Belated Valentine's date with my boo

Simple and small dinner with my baby. He took me to Napa Valley Grill (4 stars on yelp!) and we tried chopped kale salad, scallops and some kind of beef. Super delicious, service was uh-mazing. And we unintentionally matched too. Happy third valentine's day baby. You didn't need to ask, but you were the perfect valentine's date a girl could ever ask for.

We dance for life.

My roommates and I participated in Dance marathon!!!!! And dressed to all 9 themes, hehe. We are such fashionistas ;) hehe, well they are! 26 hours of non-stop dancing, moving, and standing on our feeeeeet. We danced for 26 hours, we slept for 26 hours, we ate for 26 hours and we stayed up doing homework for the next 26 hours (this only applied to me, sadly) Wonderful experience. If I had to do it all over again, it's only with these girrrrrls

Time to head back to studying! I had a different topic in mind for blogging but I got off on a tangent. See you in the next post!

Be my Valentine

I've always been a fan of Valentine's day except my V-day is usually mediocre, nothing fancy. I remember back in highschool it was a day where girls get to show off their flowers or cupcakes or candy grams from a special boy. I was one of them x] LOL but ever since college, my valentine's day were always alright. it's funny because I have been in a relationship since college started, yet the past couple of valentine's day were never quite special. I remember my first valentine with my boyfriend: we celebrated by having a cute quiet romantic weekend and then we got in a huge fight. I think it might have been our first fight/disagreement ever that I didn't even know whether or  not we would conquer through or wither away. Well, two years later, her e we are, still together, stronger than ever. Last year's Valentine, I was determine to not make a repeat of our first year. I made sure not to get upset or let anything get to me. My boyfriend was super sweet. He drove the 50 some odd miles between us to deliver me a single rose the night before with a note saying, "I want you to carry this with you everywhere you go tomorrow. When you get sad or lonely, just look at the rose and imagine I'm right there." Awwww :') that was probably the most cheesiest thing he's never said to me, LOL. But I bought it. I carried it around campus, to work, to dinner. It was like my shield against  all the evils to ruin v-day. Again, nothing fancy. No romantic candlelit dinners filled with rose petals and shit (although every girl still dreams of this) This year, we're not doing anything special. He has class and internship and I have work and school, and plans during the weekend. Just a ordinary day, I suppose.

The COMPLETE UCLA College Experience

Hi, I'm Denise and I'm a third year.  There are a lot of things that I've experience during my three years here at UCLA that I would consider life-changing and there are a lot of things I am determine to try before graduating next year.

College is an amazing time to get outside of your comfort zone and try out new experiences. You are at the prime of your youth, so why not make the most of it and enjoy your time at one of the most beautiful campuses in the world? Here, I have compiled a list of 10 things you should definitely check out during the four years that you are here. :)

1. Unicamp: Become a camp counselor to underprivileged kids for a week! Build future leaders from the get-go and inspire the children to become the best they can be.  I honestly cannot describe all the feels I get from doing Unicamp--it was probably one of my most life changing experiences to see how I can impact a young boy/girl's perspective on life and to show them their opportunities are endless.  Although it did take a lot of time and commitment, it was definitely worth every second of it in the end :)
2. Dance Marathon: Take a stand against AIDS and dance for 26 hours straight.  It's about time we find the cure and eradicate this disease off the face of earth.
3. UCLA vs. USC: basketball game, football game, anything!! Whether you tailgate, or camp out for tickets, seeing the LA-SC rivalry at its finest is something you do not want to miss.
4. Ice blocking at Jans Steps: Is it illegal? Who knows. Is it dangerous? Probably. But it sure is a lot of fun. Grab a group of friends and a big block of ice and sled down the grassy hill by Jans Steps. It is exciting, thrilling and electrifying.
5. Dinner for 12 Strangers: A fancy dinner with 12 people you've never met. Alumni, undergraduate, and graduate from all walks of life sharing one meal together. Talk about diversity! Make sure you sign up right when the email comes out. Don't hesitate. I was hesitant my first two years here and wasn't able to secure a spot, but I am going this year for the first time.
6. Tunneling: This is definitely not allowed, but if you are bored at midnight and feeling adventurous and risk-taking, grab a flashlight and explore the underground pathways of UCLA.
7. Perform in a culture night: So many culture nights. Oh, but the thrill of performing on stage for 500+ people!
8. Undie run: Must I explain? It happens at the end of every finals on a Wednesday. So if your finals are already done, get undressed and join in on this exciting adventure. ;)
9. Explore the roof of ALL of the buildings: MS, Boelter, Broad, Royce (I've only been on top of MS and Boelter)
10. Study abroad: why not. You only live once, so might as well explore the world. If you are a south campus major, there is a physics program in England that you should look into (advice I wish someone told me when I was a first year) All you gotta do is plan ahead and apply immediately once the program opens up.

Do good, feel good

Yesterday, despite the lack of exciting events, I had a surprisingly good time. Woke up early and got some good two/three hours of studying done. Prepared a delicious VEGETARIAN meal. Went to a service event with Circle K (literally, my second service event this entire school year) where we cook a scrumptious meal for Turning point (transitional housing for homeless people) It makes me miss doing service, serving the older community. After that, we hit up dorm dinner (service with uclacki=free meal afterwards) and ate for hours, laughing at Connie's and Jeremy's horrible jokes about dead babies and dirty pick up lines. Although I didn't get much studying the rest of the night, I got several donations from people for Dance marathon ^_^ that were totally unexpected and it ultimately made my night. I ended the night online shopping for an MK watch that I will soon add to my collection as a birthday gift. Life is good. :)

New Year's Resolutions

1. Focus on being more happy and positive. Happiness needs to start inwards. Learn to be happy with myself. 
2. Less is more. Post less on facebook. Less pictures, posts, everything. Disappear from certain social media. Less complaining on twitter too
3. Hit the gym! Seriously. It's on everyone's resolutions and it's on mine too :p
4. Exercise patience and bitch less. Especially to my parents and the young kids at temple.
5. Smile more. See Resolution #1